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Wife going to meet ex bf and some strangers from fb.

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asked Sep 20, 2012 in Questions by rajp01 (120 points)
retagged Sep 20, 2012 by Invincible
Hi friends I am Raj, 24yrs of age from Chennai.  My marriage was arranged marriage. My wife is 22 . She was my junior in college. We got married 1yr ago. We are living happily. Before marriage she went to meet her stranger facebook friends many times, after marriage she accepted that she had oral sex with some of those guys and she had 2 bfs, they did all things other than intercourse. She apologized me for that. I love her so much and hence I accepted her apology. But from past 1 month again she is going to meet some strangers and old bfs . When i ask about that she fights with me and tells I am doubting her . I am totally blank i don't know what to do. Help me. I am sure she is going to meet strangers because last week she went on a date with my friend of friend. I am blank I want her back. What to do?
commented Sep 20, 2012 by Invincible (12,550 points)
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4 Answers

2 like 0 dislike
You as her husband have got every right to ask her on her escapades, so don't hold back and confront her as to why she is sneaking on your back to meet new guys. Was she forced into the marriage with you, since if thats the case you better leave her.

By living happily, do you mean you guys are having a good sex life, spare yourself, think about her, do you think she is satisfied. Check with her if she is left unsatisfied. Know her likes and act accordingly.

If she is a ****, the way you have described amounts to sluts, leave her for good. Next time when you ask her on her meetings, issue an ultimatum that you don't like her to meet new guys or her ex's, since you are feeling intimidated. Tell her to decide whom she wants to be with, you or other guys.

From one thing its clear that she is cheating on you, since if she is faithful and loyal to you she wouldn't start fighting with you from the moment you ask her a question on her meetings, rather she takes time to convince you to let you know the truth.

Theres no good in living/sharing life with a **** with an insatiable desire. Confront her and ask her to decide on her future and ask her to explain her recent sex escapades. The reason for her cheating. If you feel good to stay with her after her confessions, live with her,  but I would say, leave her. She seems like a girl who can't control her desires and gives in easily to other mens charms.

Approach your elders and tell them the situation, cos 1yr into the marriage and having these issues, you have got every right to involve your elders into the issue and ask them to either solve this issue or break it. Don't just say I love her and accept her no matter what, have a clear picture on the future and take a wise step.

Do let us know what you have decided.
answered Sep 20, 2012 by Invincible (12,550 points)
commented Sep 20, 2012 by rajp01 (120 points)
yes we do good sex and she is satisfied.  not force marriege she and her family proposed for marriege. once i asked why u adds strangers in fb she told she want to make good frnds  but if i ask abt meeting she shouts at me
2 like 0 dislike

Dear rajp01,

you are in a difficult situation as you mentioned that whenever you ask your wife about her meeting her BF or new FB friends she starts a fight with you and if you start following her in order to found out what's really going on than it will be wrong too.In my opinion ask her is she happy with you or not?Try to remain calm and don't try to force her to answer you as it will make her angry and in the end you will still remain with a dobt about her.If still after asking her calmly and honestly how you feel about her meeting her FB friends or BF she doesn't give you a valid & satisfactory answer than sorry to say she may be cheating on you and you need to take a bold step this time.

answered Sep 21, 2012 by Anjali (7,465 points)
1 like 0 dislike
Marriage is a compromise, not sacrifice. What you are going through shows your lack in managing the situation.

You said you love her, accepted apology, you have a good sex life according to you, but are you sure the same is applicable from her angle too? She might be having a lousy sex life at home, thats why wants to go back to her own way, it was an arranged marriage when she was having boyfriends with physical relationship - maybe the marriage was not as per her wish. And accept having oral sex and apologized, what do you think of having sex before marriage? Do you think only vaginal penetration is the only sex? All three catagory of oral, vaginal and anal sex are having sex.

From your words it looks like you have lack in confidence on yourself, you lack in your decision making sense. When a wife look for other strangers in less than a year of marriage, you can be sure, you are not doing the things right or you are yet to understand how she loves to have sex.  

We are no judge here, we can understand your situation but we are not in your shoe, we wont feel that agony you are going through. We cant decide what you should do or act. But my observation is, it seems you married too early before having that responsibility a man earns to get married. Secondly, you are not upto the mark as per her libido, you need to understand what she wants in bed. And thirdly, at some point you need to take control of the situation to protect your marriage, if you cant, its better to part now.

My suggestion, dont go for any kid now, this kid will be a bigger trouble in future. If she doesnot listen to your wish, you should do the same of crossing that holy bond and lead in your own way.  You should make her understand this is not a healthy practice where she could bring bad names for both families by being branded as a "free ****".  

But somewhere I have a feeling, she wont change herself, either you have to accept this or you should get away from this marriage. Dont suffer for something that you havenot committed.
answered Sep 21, 2012 by oye (25,670 points)
commented Sep 23, 2012 by loveispain (530 points)
Excellent words:
Marriage is a compromise, not sacrifice...  :)
2 like 0 dislike

rajp,

You are in a tricky situation. On the one hand your wife has confirmed that she has had sexual relations before marriage, and on the other you have difficulty accepting this fact and the present situation.

Firstly, you are making a distinction between sexual intercourse and oral sex. Either way, it is sex. So, dont console yourself that your wife was a virgin before she married you. Physically, may be, but definitely not mentally. Even physically, having oral sex without fingering the vagina is difficult.

Does your wife come from an affluent family? Does she have the financial resources to go out on dates etc? Are you well employed and financially secure?

Marriage is a bond based n trust and if that trust is broken, it is difficult for a marriage to survive. Are you absolutely sure that she is dating now behind your back? Since she has told you the truth of her sexual encounters before marriage, that must be playing on your mind, and you could be doubting her.

Look for signs of infedility. Is she neglecting the home?  Does she dress up more fancily now? Is she spending more time in front of the mirror? Is she continously on the phone? Does she abruptly stop her conversation when you enter the room? You can tell, if a woman has had sex. Is her face flushed? Is she quiet?

These are all forms of policing. Not healthy for a marriage to survive. Find out about your self. Are you giving sufficient attention to her needs? Are you spending time with her in bed and out of it? Improve your techniques of making love. Women will not stray from home, if they are kept happy, especially in bed.

Finally, do not presume that having a child, at this stage will keep her confined to the home. It may create more problems for you in the future. You will always have doubts, whether the child is yours or not? Besides if you ever think of divorce (if things get worse, and she wants out ), a child will complicate matters further. 

If there is an elder in the family, whom you can confide in, seek his/her help.      

answered Sep 21, 2012 by longhands1 (82,450 points)
edited Jul 27, 2017 by longhands1
commented Sep 23, 2012 by RaJu_RKD (285 points)
moved Sep 23, 2012 by longhands1
I have one aswer she also had done everything with others

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