How important is a continuous communication between couples?

Question

Hello anjali madam and users,

I am 23years old married guy. Its a general tendency of couples that they talk so much in begining and that decrease gradually. It is obvious that we do not have much to talk and we cant talk in scripted way.

But then the real problems arise..  And these complain lines are common in most of relations:

1. you are changed.
2. You have lost interest in me.
3. Why dont you talk to me.
4. You are hiding something.

My question is:
1. How to establish a quality communication between couples?
2. How a couple can avoid such misunderstandings?

Every communication starts with Hi, Hello, and ends with "whats up? Nothing"

Many Relation gains unwanted weight because of low communication and many unluckily get a full stop.

I AM A MARRIED GUY AND I HAVE FACED THSESE PROBLEMS. SOMETIMES I FEEL THAT THERE IS NOTHING TO TALK NEW. SO I KEEP QUIET AND SHE THINKS THAT I AM HIDING SOMETHING.

MY WIFE WILL NOT HATE ME FOR THIS BUT I WANT A RELATION WITH FULL OF JOY AND FUN.

THIS PROBLEM IS MINE BUT I AM PUTTING THIS IN DISCUSSION CATEGORY. HOPE USERS WILL GIVE SOME USEFUL THOUGHTS TO THIS QUESTION.

Thanks

Answer 1

Dear akk0907,

You are just 23, married and presumably in the rainbow phase. But you have hit the nail on the head. Communication is the key to any successful endeavour - marraige, bussiness or education.

The anti-thesis to marriage is a monster called Ego. When ego (I) raises its ugly head, communication is met with strict silence. They say when a couple first marries, he talks and she listens. Later she talks and he listens and still later, they both talk and the neighbours listen!

Communication requires a conscious effort. It does not mean nagging or prying. Wanting to know about your partner's past, about his/her present movements etc. It is about sharing.

You say you have no topic to talk about. Do you talk about your office day or college (since you are just 23 and married)? Was yours a Love marriage or an arranged one? If arranged, it would take time to know your partner, especially if she is shy.

Cultivate a hobby together, and then see the amount of time you will both be talking!

It is not true that old people talk less. See any old couple and they will discuss topics for hours.

There are times, when silence is the better part of valour.

Comments

my parents arranged my marriage. And she is no shy to me. And we do not have that big issue of communication gap. I am(not praising myself) good to make her laugh.
i have confirmed her that i am not hiding anything. She believes me.
but sometimes i feel that she feel uneasy in my silence.
-She asks me whats up i just say everything is fine.
-Then why are you so silent.
-Do i need to dance to prove that everything is fine.
-I am not saying that. Atleast chill.
-i am okay yaar. I love you.
-dont try this on me. I know you are upset.
-i am not baby. How should i convinc you?
-no need. I am sorry.
-oh god.
Now this make me scratch my head. she never made this an issue but it gives me insecurity that sometime that it will hurt her.

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Dear akk0907,

Thank you for your comments to my reply. Now I am even more puzzled.  On the one hand you say " we do not have that big issue of communication gap".  But in your question you say "It is obvious that we do not have much to talk and we cant talk in scripted way".

The conversation you have written in dialogue form, reflects your immaturity. The mono-syllables you speak are ok with your class-mates.

Be more expressive. Have you been out together on a holiday? She seems stressed out, just now. Are you supportive of her, if you are staying with your parents. Are you working?

One of the replies below says you should have a baby, and that will solve your problem. I do not agree. First get to know your partner as best as you can. (Its a life long process).  

Oye, has also given you some tips that are practical.

Answer 2

Though it seems like there is nothing to share with your wife still a lot you can share with her if you want..
You get bore by working whole day in office and she also in home..
So when you return, she expects that you should talk to her..
Well just giving some examples about how to react with your wife:
1.You can call her 2-3 times between your working hours just to tell that you are missing her.. Preferable time is lunch time.
2. Ask her what she is doing the whole day and listen to her and just praise her..
3. You can discuss about any topic like a tv serial or news paper article etc..
4. Find some spare time for marketing/ film on week days..
5. Any time you can start discuss about your future planning..
Like this there are 100 ways to talk with your wife which may build a strong relationship between the couples..
So my suggestion is, learn to  speak a paragraph when asked for a sentence and a sentence when asked for a word..

Answer 3

I too have a girl friend and we are in relationship for about 11 years. We used to fight a lot and love a lot. Whenever we fight, even when the mistake is not on my side i used to tell sorry. But our communication is only through phone mostly and I will meet her once in a while. (But seriously I am scared what will happen when we live in the same house after marriage. I never want to face what you are facing now).

But I used to do the following when we have fight. I will tell "sorry for doing this. i will not repeat it next time. forgive me". And i will forget whatever we fight we have in the previous day and be normal today. I used to forget negative things. Because i know that remembering all these bad things will reduce my confidence level.

But as a husband I will shower full care and love to my wife and she will be my world. Because she cares about me more than my parents. I realised that when i met with an accident in my bike. That accident made lot of changes in my life. after that I changed a lot.

I think having a baby will solve all your problems. Then you two will not have enough time to share and you will care only for your child. Try this.

Goodluck.

Answer 4

I can write an essey on this, in a nutshell, communication is the key.

Sex with wife has both mental and physical aspect. If you ask me, I would say 90% is mental presence, rest 10% is the physical bond. Marriage is a hoy bond, commit to walk together. To keep that bond, mental attachment is needed and communication is the key.

You must have seen young guys talks hours in park or phone, ever tried to listen what they say? Nothing important, just being close and together is the fundamental. Same goes with old couple, they talk. I have seen some couple having great sex life, but ended in divorce because they thought having a kid will solve the problem or sex can take care of all differences. It doesnot.

What you should do, you can decide, what I do is my way. I keep some time everyday for my family, share few jokes, small talks, help my wife on chores, ask her help, sit together with our angel, there are so many ways to be together. I am following that, and even I  dont mind sacrifice watching TV, if my wife has something to say, important or not.

But the best way of communication I found is during after play, once having sex, cuddling and talking on anything and everything, I feel great pleasure, she also talks about all gossips she heard.  And ofcourse bed time dirty jokes are always there.

Akk0907, I recall you said before that you got some help from this site. Take this advice, there need not be any topic, any formality, no report on whole day activities. You can stay with her in kitchen and help her, ask her the ingredients, what she knows best, let her talk on that, and talk on what you know best.  Hope you can get some help following this.

Comments

But the best way of communication I found is during after play, once having sex, cuddling and talking on anything and everything, I feel great pleasure, she also talks about all gossips she heard.  And ofcourse bed time dirty jokes are always there.


You are 100% right, its the best time to talk.
Best time to talk about anything with a lot of intimacy and love.

Answer 5

dear Akk0907, very good suggestion have been given by our members just want to add to few lines :

learn to listen to your spouse , very important in a couple to listen carefully what his/her partner has to say without judging / misinterpret what one has to say .

Also learn the non-verbal communication [ body language ]

Have compasssion for your partner.

And least try to read this book " man are form mars and woman from venus " , its like a holy book for any couple [ am not promoting this book , but all those who have read it must know what am talking about ]

Answer 6

Hey man even after many years of married life some couples lack this. The best is that the husband and wife can undestand each other's feelings even without taling. be it money matters, chidren, or even sex both need to be involved. some matters are discrete, for example sex. The wife / husband can communicate even in sign language or even without it. for instance a wife can just show her cleavage or a bra strap. This takes a second but the husband will know it and the fun will be more.

Answer 7

If one marriage falls apart, then 90% reason for that is lack of communication. People who always talked, laughed together on nothing important  suddenly shut down to silence and isolate to their own world and the string of communication is broken and couples live like roommate without much passion or love. There are many reasons for that,
1.When we married everything was new, every joke every words said and heard were new, so it interested us to listening and talking. When years pass by we lost that new feeling and everything appear to be the same, so everyone withdraw to their own world.
2. Lack of intimacy:the intimacy we felt at the begging will fade with years, this will lead to a gap between couples.
3.Lack of time: both are working and the time together become very less and ther is not enough time to scold each other, then were is time to talk.
4. Ego related to work and pay.
5. difference in their  views and opinions.
6.lack of satisfactory sex due to lack of interest and work load and tensions.

A lot of things can be added like this to the reasons for lack of communications.
I dont believe that children can bring back the lost intimacy or communication back to their life.

Then how can we establish this communication without getting  broken down. for that we need a conscious effort, both couples should voluntarily come forward to spend some quality time with their spouse.

Answer 8

thanks to all...
specially oye, dan, pussycat, longhands.

oye is with me from my first question... I dont know which dictionary has the words to thank him.

i said that its not a big issue but still there is a issue.. So i asked this in discussions. This is not a sexual issue.
But AA talks about relationship as well infact so well. May be this question will give a solution to those who face this kind of issue with their partner.
In a committed relation everybody loves his/her partner but a little confusion can make a big disaster.
AA saves me from that disaster.

Answer 9

well very important in every case not even sex only

Comments

Repeating:

Your single liner reply just started.....  Remember the last time?  I deleted as I am the Point Stealer.

You agreed to complete your thought, not a single liner.

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ya ya each and every day i agree something or the other....so what? nothing new....

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Yeah no wonder you feel love is in the air with someone who you dont now is a he or she or in between. That person has the same characterstics, agree anything for the sake of agreeing.

Rab ne bana de jodi, you two are made for each other. Even look at the taste, she loves dog sex, you are fucking a bitch who gets fucked by a dog and you. Perfect match in every way, mentally and physically.