Should i have sex with a girl with whom am NOT going to marry?

Question

Hi Anjali Mam and AA members
I have been dating this girl since 1.5 years. I am 19 now. We started this whole relationship on a pact. She cried to me and i somehow said fine only to stop her from crying. Its been long and yet i am not sure if i love her. Now it is a long distance relationship, me in Kanpur and she still in Delhi. We have had passionate kisses but i never crossed the line.  She has been telling me how her girlfriends have started to lose their virginity and hints that probably she wants sex. I am pretty sure i am NOT GOING TO marry her. I mean Anjali i am still a virgin and want to have sex but is it fair to do it with her i mean when i am going to stop this relationship soon. Should i be the one whom she want to loose her virginity ?

Comments

Editor's note : Dear Haded we didnot understand what you meant by : "She cried to me and i somehow said fine only to stop her from crying ".

Please edit what exactly you meant

Answer 1

Dear Haded,

If you try to notice, you'll find that none of the replies are biased. I don't understand why you used that word. You want to fuck, she wants to fuck and almost everyone here advised against it. So, ,, towards whom are all  the replies biased? None, I guess.

Anyways, let's try to find the pros and cons of the situation.

PROS

1. Both of you want it.

2. She's easily approachable as she herself proposed it  (indirectly though---- and I'm not sure if you really read her signals rightly or just over read them and appreciated only what you had wanted)

Can't think of any other pro.. .. everyone and Haded, help!!!



CONS

1.  First sex is a memorable moment of life for both a man and a women. Why would you have it with someone you don't wanna spend your life with. And why would you want her to have a bitter memory of unsuccessful love whenever she thinks of her first love making session?  

2. She black mailed you to start a relationship with her. I'm sure she has the capacity to black mail you into maintaining it. Taking her virginity will only put you in a weaker court.

I know you'll lose yours too but virginity is a bigger issue (both emotionally and socially ) for a woman than a man. I hope you understand.

3. She wants a sexual relationship with a person she loves, trusts and is sure she wanna spend her life with.

Where as you want to have sex with a person who -you clearly don't love,
- is easily approachable and convincible coz she loves you.

So for her its
Love + hormones + curiosity

And for you its
Hormones + curiosity (*a major factor missing)

4. You are not sure whether you should do it or not. A clear indication that your conscious holds you to think well before you jump. Brother, once you do it, then there's no way it can be undone. So, if you feel guilty about it later, then, you'll have that  guilt within you forever. You are still in a preventable stage.

5. Both of you are too young do decide right vs wrong. (I know, if you can vote then you can decide right from wrong too, but you are still immature to see a lot of things that you'll learn only as you grow).

 Life'a too short to make every mistake yourself, learn from others' mistakes.



Lastly, if you are thinking of dumping her eventually, my advice is that you do it sooner than later. Why? Because longer the relationship, more emotionally involved she will become. It would become very hard for her to move on. Spare her the horror. Although you don't Love her, it seems you do care for her. You are friends, right? Why you want her to feel she wasted her previous time on you.? And the same for you? Life is short, so CUT THE CRAP!

Comments

your version was kinda practical yet sappy! i appreciate it. i officially filed a breakup.

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lol... even I found it a bit sappy when I reviewed it before posting, but I let it be like that coz thats how I felt as I read your question and I just poured it down.. anyways, Im glad you benefited!! All the best! :)

And Thanks for choosing my answer! :)

Answer 2

You have answered your own question. " is it fair to do it with her i mean when i am going to stop this relationship soon."

A year and half into a relationship is quite a long time to get to know someone and build bonds. You have been unfair to her and yourself. You have been leading her up the garden path, if you have no intention to marry her. And what is this pact you talk about? Is it on a stamp paper? And which court do you intend approaching?

You are still too young to think of marraige. Be a good friend instead.
 
A woman may feel obligated to have sex in order to hold on to her man.  Tell her bluntly that you do not intend continuing with the relationship leading up to marriage, and if she still insists on having sex, then go ahead.

Answer 3

simple answer
"u should not"
Watever it may be I suggest u dear frnd don't indulge in sexual activities in such age. u ll feel guilty and her life will be in trouble
so pls don't

Answer 4

Well before giving answer to your question I would like to ask you a question..
Do you really obey our suggestion ?
If your answer is 'yes' then I Will say don't spoil her life if you are not going to marry her..
If your answer is 'no' then no need to ask this type of question at all..
Now decision is yours..

Answer 5

I doubt if u really obey wat users are suggesting. U should be good friend to her. If u fuck her her life may be ruined. If she gets a husband who doubt on her virginity then she could be in trouble. u have already involved in kisses. So if u r clear of not marrying her then try to b good fren and her wellwisher.

Bin

Answer 6

Why is everyone talking as if i am going to rape her and spoil her life? Whooa kindergarten grow up. she proposed sex. i am no asexual. and if we have sex i too would be losing my virginity to her, so doesn't it change my life too?

PS: please don't add crap to bother me. add an answer only if it is an unbiased one.

Comments

Dear haded, please be explicit by what you meant hereunder
"She cried to me and i somehow said fine only to stop her from crying ".

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dan what i meant was that when it all started she was the one who wanted a commitment and when i denied she cried, so i said fine we can have a commitment.

Answer 7

no..dnt fck her..if u r nt going to marry her thn y to spoil her future lyf by doing sex with her.if u cnt make her lyf by marrying her thn also dnt spoil it.as her future hsbnd may come to knw tht she had lost her virginity b4 marriage which cn affect her lyf..so u shuldnt do it

Answer 8

Going through your question and comment it seem as a one sided love your girlfriend loves you but you don't . for you its just  a pact/commitment to be along with her only to please her.

You don't love that girl and now its a long distance relation far form eyes thus far from the heart , so better tell her frankly that you are not willing to continue with her and don't want to make love to her.

If you have no intention to marry her then don't f**k her just because she wants to and you are convinced that you won't marry her then don't spoil her life , you will always have a guilty feeling. Better don't keep that girl in the dark tell her the truth.

But my personal opinion if you want to is to always marry a girl who loves you and not the one whom you love, so my friend if I were at your place I would not have let this girl go I would have stay with her life long. You are still young there is a lot to learn and built in your relation but for sure for me it would have been with that girl, you are a lucky one to have found such a girl, now its up to you.

All the best

Answer 9

Why not?  If both are consenting adults, go ahead.

You have an intention of having sex, no commitment attached. If she also is an adult, gives her consent and knows your intention or decides not to marry you, then go ahead.

Just dont cheat her, like making a future commitmant that you wont keep or non-consenting.  Sounds to me she is consenting, only doesnot know your hidden agenda of FANTA (Fuck And Never Touch Again).

Answer 10

Technically,if both of you have consent to having sex with each other,well,you can go ahead and do it. But you are too young to jump into it in this age,though age should never be a problem in having sex.

The problem is "future". Are you willing to marry a girl in future who is not virgin and had sex before marriage? If the answer to this question is : yes,then you go ahead and have sex to this present girl. If the answer to this question is : no,then you shouldn't have sex with your current girlfriend without getting married to her.

You said,you will not marry this girl. In that case,someone else will...........Right? So,if you are trying to violate an important "moral law" here : that is,don't harm to others as you don't want to be harmed yourself. Will you marry a girl who is fucked by another guy? I don't think so. Then,why are you gonna fuck a girl,who you will not marry,but in future,someone else will marry? Another problem is,will you be able to control your guilty consciousness,if you suffer from it in future due to having sex outside marriage? Remember that many feel guilty of their past sexual affairs when they grow older............