The World Cup is finally upon us it’s going to be nearly impossible to ignore its presence. Bars and restaurants will be packed to the brim with suddenly nationalistic football fans claiming ties to every country from Korea to Peru (yeah, we have a second cousin from Lima too!). The streets around my home are littered flags of blue and white and Brazilian bikini poster are appearing in the most unlikely of places. For the first time in a long time, the world's attention will be on Africa for something other than AIDS and famine. 

Here at AskAnjali – I, always the promoter of good old-fashioned bedroom romp – chose to focus our temporarily soccer-addled minds on something other than the tournament. Since football is filled with sex-addicted superstars (we're talking to you, David Beckham, Ashley Cole) who are as famous for their antics in the bedroom as they are on the pitch, we figure why not take the inevitable next step and incorporate the beautiful game with the beautiful act.

Here is my favorite World Cup-inspired sex positions.

Bend her like Beckham

David Beckham is known for bending balls at will all over the pitch, so I don’t consider it a stretch to assume that he is also adept at bending his wife all over the bedroom. To be like Becks, bend your lady over the end of the bed or something similar, as long as it provides a clear view of the footy match on TV, and strike away. I hear this is the position Becks and Posh used to conceive their three kids, so if you're not looking to have a little dribbler of your own, we suggest you wear a Ribbon.

The Lionel Messy

Lionel Messi is widely considered the best player on the planet right now, with a playing style as smooth as silk and a tendency to leave his opponents in shambles. So to honor the Argentinian soccer God, lie your partner down on your finest silk sheet, grab a few cups of chimichurri (Argentina's national condiment), lather her up, and go at it as though you're two rabid animals covered in a parsley, minced garlic, olive oil, red wine vinegar, and red pepper flakes. And, as luck would have it, you are.

The hand of God

Maradona scored his most famous goal with the illegal use of his hand, so as punishment, handcuff your lover to the bed, then use both hands to give her a truly religious experience. Use one hand to gently massage her clitoris while the other penetrates her vagina like a pseudo-penis. If performed correctly, we assure you the results will be anything but controversial.

The golden goal

There's perhaps no more satisfying feeling in football then scoring a coveted golden goal. To mimic the epic event with your girlfriend, do the deed for a full 90 minutes while making sure not to climax. When the two halves are up, put a pillow under her butt, lift her hips, and bring her legs back toward her head. Now bring the victory home with a series of thunderous strikes until you both finally score. Finish up with some victory champagne.

The full back

For you non-Kolkattans and non-Goans out there, for whom some football vocab is alien, a "full back" translates to a defender. But as they say in professional sports, the best defense is a good offense (or is it the other way around?). in that spirit, bend your sweetheart over, and give her the full back treatment, combining anal sex, two fingers in the vagina, and everything else in between.

A hand in the box

This move is highly illegal, but thankfully in the bedroom there's no referee. All girls like one finger in their vagina, and some women even like two. The more elastic ones can take three, and the adventurous take four. This move is only for the women who need a full hand in the box for complete satisfaction. Ladies, I salute you.

The slide tackle

The slide tackle is one of the most violent plays in football, but this move is all about sensuality, baby. Oil your woman's entire body up, and slide your cock slowly down her body, until she's begging for you to tackle her vagina. Just make sure once you tackle her, she won't pull do what Ronaldo did to our Bipasha.

There you have it. seven pleasure-filled, football-inspired sexual positions to make this year's World Cup more enjoyable for you and your lady. What are your World Cup plans? Who are you supporting and who do you think is going to win? Don't forget to tell us.

Have a fantastic week guys. Come home early this whole month to catch the action.

-Anjali

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5 Answers »

1. 
   Absolutely mindblowing.  Do keep adding as the worldcup commences.  You may find some more new terms by then.

   What about Mexican Wave, Anjali ji?

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   Answer by Oye … — June 13, 2010

2. Excellent, good inspiring writeup Aunty.

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   Answer by BudLight — June 14, 2010

3. Hi Anjali Aunty!
    
   I am overwhelmed by your approach on current hot topics, matching one to one, to the games played on the bed.
    
   Three cheers,
    
   Phoolwati

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   Answer by Phoolwati — June 14, 2010

4. Ha ha those are indeed lovely comparisons. What a way to win at the world cup!!!

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   Answer by lonelyguy_00 — June 14, 2010

5. hahaahaa….hm

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   Answer by meenakshi — July 20, 2010

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