Dear Anjali Aunty,

I got arranged married several months ago and am truly in love with my wife now. She still is like 5000 miles away and I miss her a lot. She should be here in a few months. I remember the first time I had sex was when my cousin took me to a massage parlour up in Canada. I only had sex a couple more times after that.

I don't really care much for my past sexual experience and really love my wife. I never even cared or thought about my past sexual relations when I met my wife, until one night she asked me over the phone. I lied and said "no I never had sex". I felt really bad, and talked to a lot of people about it and even my parents and they said not to tell anything because its the past and "be happy with your wife in the future". I listened to my parents and everyone and they told me not to tell her, even if she ask. I guess they are right.

I felt really bad, but the past is the past. What do you guys think?

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16 Answers »

1. What you have done is right for the sake of your good life, lying is not good but the situation has made u to do so. To save your married life and to make it happy its ok. BUT YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT AGAIN AND YOU SHOULD BE LOYAL then every thing is perfectly fine.

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   Answer by Jhon — March 10, 2010

2. What youur parents and friends said is right. If you consider us as your friend, we also are going to say the same, bygones are bygones, you love your wife that is most important. A bit lie to keep the love flaired is not wrong.
   As the earlier reply, dont repeat, thats all. You cant go back to time and change the past, so dont get pissed off with a little lie. Hope both of you a sweet life ahead.

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   Answer by Oye … — March 10, 2010

3. First ask yourself – What would you expect to be done if the situation was reversed? What I mean is if your wife wasn't/ hadn't been a virgin, would you expect her to tell you? Then depending on that you have two choices-
   1. If you would have liked to know the truth, then probably does she. The best thing you can do is tell her, and explain that there was no emotional or sentimental connection and hope she understands, but best be prepared for some fireworks.
   2. If not knowing doesn't bother you in that case explain it to yourself that what has happened is allready in the past and as it meant nothing, there is no emotional baggage to carry over and affect your married life. Treat it as a new beginning. And move on.

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   Answer by anonemous22 — March 10, 2010

4. please do not tell her truth it will break her heart.and also do not ask her question that she had or not because it may break ur heart

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   Answer by nishaaaa — March 10, 2010

5. What??? Your parents and friends know this and your wife doesn't?!  Seriously, mate, it should be the other way around. It's the man-woman union that is more important. Sit her down and explain this whole scenario, including the fact that you felt guilty lying about it. It'll only strengthen your bond.

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   Answer by Two.Options — March 10, 2010

6. You should go and tell her not for the sake of loyalty or anything but just out of plain common sense…..let us see your cousin knows you did it…your parents know you did it….a lot of people know that you did it…how long do you think it will be before she knows you did it….the fact is that it is better to tell it to her yourself than she finding it out from someone else.And as you said its past so I'm sure she'll understand…lastly put yourself in her shoes…how would you feel if you came to know from one that your wife slept around with someone and didn't tell you………marriage has to be welded together over a long period…you can't keep it together with quickfix….
   cheers

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   Answer by apacheking12 — March 10, 2010

7. Dear Raw,

   How many of us ever answered the "how many guys/girls have you slept with" question honestly? Please understand, this is no big deal. And even though I understand why you're feeling guilty (you lied!), just let it go. Men and women have been doing this for centuries – lying about their virginity. It's okay. She never has to know.
   

   I don't think you should tell her. There are some secrets we take to the grave (or grate ), and it doesn't make us bad people, or unworthy of the love we are receiving. Look at it this way: you are giving her a gift, and it will make her incredibly happy. On your first night, just think about that. And don't feel guilty or you will indeed ruin one of the most important moments of your life.
   

   It WILL be your first time; your first time with the woman you love, your wife – so revel in that instead of a guilt that is nothing but useless! You are forgiven. There are worse problems to worry about in life.

   Best of luck.

   -Anjali

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   Answer by Anjali — March 10, 2010

8. In this situation you did right. 
    
   But in future don't sleep with anyone else except your wife.
   And never ever let her know that you had sex before meeting her. 
   Don't lie again.
    
   Take Care.
   All the best.

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   Answer by sexhunter — March 11, 2010

9. Dear RAW,
    
    
   Sometimes it is okay to lie if it is for the good.
   As Anjali aunty suggested, forget what you have done. Nothing can change what had happened already. Besides "virginity" is just a socially constructed contextual object. I guess you must ahve observed in Canada that people infact prefer more mature and experienced person
   .

   Now what you cna do is be loyal to your wife and love her for yor life.
    
   Regards,

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   Answer by ding — March 11, 2010

10. Thanks everyone for your help and answers. I guess almost all of you are saying not to say anything and I done right. The past is past and is pointless to worry about it. Just live a good new life in the future with my wife. Thanks again.

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    Answer by RAW — March 11, 2010

11. Well I guess whats past is past and since you have anyway told her that you are still a virgin, its better to stick with it. What she doesnt know wont hurt her. Just make sure that you dont give her any chance of finding out the truth later on. That will be cruel.

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    Answer by lonelyguy_00 — March 11, 2010

12. hi there

    you can tell your wife at a appropriate time.since you have been married few months back i dont think it wud be a gud idea to tell her abt it.may 5-10 yearsdown the line u can tell her

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    Answer by meenakshi — March 11, 2010

13. Dear Raw,
    You are very right in your dilemma & the answers by many including Anjali Auntie are quite appropriate to make you understand the intricacies of this married life.
    We human beings are having intellect to think more than the basic requirements of any other species to sustain life on this earth. Hence the Society Norms came into existence & with that the guilt factor. But it is for the individual to play like a chess player to look for winning the match by his smart moves & not get trapped by your foolish moves.
    So, dear to make your marriage successful, you have to employ all techniques smartly to win her over at every difficult stage of married life, as is always said ,'All is fair in love & war'. Then, the question of guilt feeling does not arise.
    Well, nothing wrong getting others' opinions as these may help many other guys & gals to appropriately face such situations.
    Regards,
    Phoolwati 

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    Answer by Phoolwati — March 11, 2010

14. Yes dear I agree with Anjali aunty

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    Answer by decentboy — March 12, 2010

15. Dear Anjali Aunty,
    We r a couple. Me 36 Yrs. and she 29 yrs old. We both r enjoying hapyy marrierd life but some how bored of routine sex life. We always talk on wife swpping and finaly decided to go for it. Will you please guide us which of the web sites are suitable for the search of the like minded couples and what care we should take to enjoy very good swapping experiance.
    Thanking you

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    Answer by Akash — April 16, 2010

16. Raw, It Is But Natural For A Man To Go Out For Sex, Some Stop it After Marriage .. Don't Ever Think You Did Anything Not Done .. Try to Be Faithful After Your Marriage ( ) .. Best Of Luck ..

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    Answer by rockstud — April 16, 2010

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