Hello Anjali Aunty,

I am going through a rough marriage and below is what I think are the reasons and many are my own fault. I have tried rigorous attempts to get out of this worse habit but I have not been completely successful yet.

1. I live in isolated environment without much social contact and I got addicted to computers instead (read porn)
2. Later I got married to a girl after almost losing hope about marriage. She said she loves me for who I am. I confessed to her about every other girl I tried to marry and how was I refused.
3. She now thinks I have depression/disthymia but this discontent is not limited to not being intimately involved in this relation, instead I feel cheated by her parents. After having found me as an eligible bachelor, they hid their gorgeous elder daughter from me and got me married to a much fatter girl. I regarded them as a decent family but not only do they made much issue as comparing me with their elder son-in-law on numerous occasion and ridiculing me in public and try to hurt my self respect by offering me money/gifts on numerous times. I married just because I thought she would go berserk and persuaded me with the offer to marry her. My frame of mind during those days of marriage is no more there. I regretted that and thought the life of the girl would be jeopardised if I leave her now after a miscarriage but she is actually strong and thinks I can leave her any time. If that is what is going to make me happy with myself, which I could not become yet.
4. I am not sure I have depression but two psychiatrists have confirmed that I don't have it.
5. We both have anger, trust issues, but I am cool when I teach her cooking and share mixed feelings with her. Certainly I care for her but I don't know the love part and definitely I have sex as an obligation and had to turn (trying to avoid but not able to) to other sources like masturbation. I feel hopeless and tried to separate from the relation and not sure how to do and what to do.

I am looking for various perspectives to look at this situation. Thanks.

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8 Answers »

1. Boss the problem is with you, Your inlaws are giving u gifts as of respect to their jawai, if they dont give then there is a chance therir ( duaughter ko sunna padega form u and your famaliy and society) these cutoms are still prlevent in india. if u did inot like the girl then y did u marry. infact u had given hope to marry, it was a win win situation to all of u. Get ur life stragit before it get out of hand.

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   Answer by gullucool1 — March 3, 2010

2. Arey badkow they are doing good to u and not the bad so u adjust with ur wife and everything is for ur sake. If u leave and marry another it may be worse than now who knows. So be happy with ur wife

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   Answer by Arun_Nani — March 3, 2010

3. Boss,
   what cannot be cured must be endured. You have married this girl and you also have sex with her. after all she is  also a human being. try to be nice with her. don;t give her the punishment of marrying you by hurting her herat and making her feel unwanted.
   Tell your in laws in a very stern manner that you feel bad when they throw alms at you. It depends on your attitude when you tell them that you are a self repecting person and you won't take any non sense when it comes to throwing money in the name of love towards the son in law. what I can make is you need love, not money from in laws. make this thing clear to them.

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   Answer by ajay — March 3, 2010

4. Sorry to be blunt, but you sound REAL abnormal the way you have put across you question…. Don't be negative bout in what your in-laws have given you as that may even be a mark of respect as a son-in-law.. You are blaming your in-laws that  "They hid their gorgeous elder daughter from me and got me married to a much fatter girl"., then why the hell did you get married when you found that girl so FATTER ????  When you had a real desire to get married to a SEX/BEAUTIFUL bomb., you shud have been clear and tried your luck somewhere else.. you said you have been a conservative chap throughout and never made a effort to find a beautiful girl and further you expect GOD to creat a magic women and drop Ms. RIGHT in your arms ???  God helps those who make efforts and help themselves..
   We think you are not clear in what you want in your life.. Be clear in your priorities/likes/dislikes and we are sure you wud lead a better life.. Sorry if our advise have offended you., but my friend just trying to be practical.. life is not about blaming other for what you don't have.. life is all bout making a meaningful life…
   Brgds,

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   Answer by rockyjasmine — March 3, 2010

5. hi muuna,
          in our enterlife we dont get every thing what we want, and allways try to feel positive bcoz positive attitude allways makes us more comfortable to retain our lifes. never think that nobody wanted to marry u , its u who didnt want to marry those. marrage is like gamble and who ever wins is the winner. so dont think any negativity build some friendship with her and what it will do for u is it will automatically genrate love for her. and allways remaimber that physical attraction is not allways love

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   Answer by sonu — March 3, 2010

6. Waste of your time to write this and read replies. Waste of my time to write.
   I wont suggest you anything, just a request, please ask those two psychiatrists to return their doctors license for giving you clean chit.

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   Answer by Oye … — March 3, 2010

7. Hi,
   I believe you are going through some self respect problems;
   It is true that any self respect man would not like to be given gifts from their inlaws, it would make you feel like you are not able to take care of your own family, I would suggest you prove yourself by buying stuff that you both might need well before your parents in law can even think of, As far as them comparing you with their other son in law; its their mistake you cant change their mind set the best you can do is avoid them and try to gain self respect in your own eyes and in the eyes of your wife.
   Coming to the love part; love is not just having sex it is just an advanced form of friendship, you will have to find the common interests that you and your wife share, have some fun activities together; dance together or something of the sort. if you are looking at love happening on its own; all i could say is that it never happens, you have to make it happen.
   Most importantly dont doubt that you have depression or even communicate it to your wife about it, it will only create more doubts both in your mind and in your wife's mind.
   Forget porn, you can do the real thing, try to live your fantasies with your wife.

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   Answer by Agony Uncle — March 6, 2010

8. You have a perfectly decent marriage, nothing untoward.
   The society you live in, like all societies is sick in the head.No wonder you can't find love or more importantly GIVE love.Your wife sounds pliantly irresistable and quite the cracker…………….Bring on the negatives…..

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   Answer by deepinaunty — March 6, 2010

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