What do women want? Secrets of the Female Sexual Psyche!
Of course all women – like all men – are individuals. They don't all have the same style, tastes, skills and interests – and that goes for sex just like everything else!
Different women are attracted to different men, turned on by different ideas and aroused by different approaches.
However, in my experience as a sexually active woman, there are some issues and tendencies common to most women, which most men seem oblivious of. And many men secretly see women as mysterious, complex and unpredictable creatures.
So the following page offers a glimpse into that glorious hidden world, which hopefully will increase your chances of becoming a mind-blowing, unforgettable lover!
So are women really different from men?
Our outer bodies, however, are not the only differences. These days there is lots of research available showing that male and female brains develop and focus differently.
Whatever the true explanation, there does seem to be evidence that overall men and women do have some physical differences which account for different behavior and even abilities. For instance, women's peripheral vision is much broader than men's. Women apparently hear better than men, and have more sensitive touch receptors in the skin.
Men can concentrate deeply on a task in hand and may not be aware of what is going on around them; women, on the other hand, are better at multi-tasking – they can chat while they work on the computer, for example. Men tend to be direct and uncomplicated; women (in general) appreciate a more 'touchy-feely' approach.
These differences and others are largely due to different development of various areas of the brain and the impact of different hormones.
But what, you may ask, do these differences have to do with sex? Well, for starters, understanding 'how the other half thinks' can greatly improve how you relate to each other. It can help avoid those awful misunderstandings (you know, those times when she's sulking and you haven't a clue what's wrong!).
Also, understanding what is important to a woman is your first step towards getting noticed by her, getting to know her, getting it on. And during the seduction scene itself, and subsequent sexual activity, it pays to know what kind of approach will turn her on.
Some of the most common questions are:
- Can women get aroused as quickly as men?
- What triggers a woman's arousal?
- Do women want sex less often than men?
In answer to the first: if you are an inexperienced lover, it's likely that you will need to take things more slowly than you would like. Mostly, women do take longer to arouse fully than men.
But the great news is that women tend to have erogenous (sexually excitable!) zones all over their bodies, not just around the sex organs, as is predominantly the case with men.
The breasts are usually very sensitive and erotic (and most men can't wait to touch them!), but women also love being touched in other places that might not seem so sexy: for instance, the neck, the tummy, the lower back, the inner thighs and even the head.
Each woman will have her special sensitive places (and possibly some she doesn't like to be touched): getting to know these as you explore her body is one of the joys of a new relationship - and a good way to revive an old one too! Touch is very important to women, and by stroking her gently in her favorite places you connect to her emotions which in turn heighten her sexual arousal.
The truth is, even in the same woman arousal indicators and timing can vary hugely over the course of a month. So ....
Get on that cycle!
Like men's libido or sex drive, women's libido is influenced by hormones. Where women are different, however, is in the complexity of the hormonal cocktail and the monthly hormone cycle.
The week before a period, most women don't feel especially sexy. Some may be more tired or irritable than usual – they might even prefer to curl up with a good book than have sex! Hardly surprising when some women's pre-menstrual symptoms include painfully tender breasts and/or recurrent headaches.
But the good news is that women usually feel most sexy - sometimes almost desperately horny! - when they are ovulating, which is usually around 10 – 14 days after a period. This is nature's way of increasing the chances of conception.
At this time, women's pheromones (attraction chemicals) are at their strongest, giving off clear signals to surrounding males. Have you ever felt inexplicably drawn to an unknown woman at a party, or found yourself in an overnight liaison with someone who isn't your type and doesn't even seem attractive a few days later? Probably a clear case of ambush by phermones!
Of course, if you are in a stable relationship with a woman, you can take advantage of the cycle to increase the pleasure and fun of lovemaking. By understanding and becoming intimate with your partner's hormonal fluctuations, you can be ready to respond appropriately. This will strengthen the bond of trust between you – which in turn should result in better lovemaking!
Certainly it can help in avoiding a 'routine' approach to sex – one of the pitfalls in long term relationships. Here are a few things you can do at the time of the month when your partner's libido is low:
Even if you are desperately randy, don't insist on penetrative sex when your partner is obviously tired or feeling down. Save it for the good times – think quality not quantity!
Use stroking and cuddles to let her know you care and make her feel wanted for herself, not just as a sex object. It may also happen that simply touching and cuddling, while making it clear that sex is not the objective, helps her relax and feel gently sensual – which ironically may sometimes lead to sexual activity!
If it is done in a sensitive way, you can gently begin to masturbate yourself while you are kissing and cuddling. If you think she may object, ask first. She can begin to help you if she feels like it. Sometimes women will be turned on by this!
If you do have sex, don't mind if she doesn't achieve orgasm during sex no matter what you try. Believe her if she tells you that the closeness and delicious sensations of lovemaking are sometimes enough, and/or including spiritual energy flows as part of your lovemaking).
Make sure she knows she is not letting you down if she doesn't always feel 'up for it'. Knowing she can be honest with you about this will increase her regard and respect for you.
Hone up your listening skills – let her talk about things that are bugging her. You don't have to 'find a solution' – just listen! She'll love you for it.
Doing something fun together – a swimming/hot spa session, a country walk, sports or yoga or, if she is really tired, just seeing a movie - may help you feel closer as a couple. And then when you get home, run her a hot, scented bath – and then offer to massage her feet while she relaxes. Who knows where it might lead!
So what about those wonderful times - usually mid-cycle - when your woman is full of energy and oozing desire? This is the time to enjoy each other to the full and use all your imagination: experiment with new positions; learn about new techniques with your partner; revisit the favorite things you've tried in the past; and begin to explore each other's fantasies!
It's the time when a romantic dinner, a surprise weekend away, or just a sexy video at home can be a wonderful trigger for a fantastic bout of lovemaking!
Physically, your partner will be quicker to arouse – her vagina will lubricate more quickly, her clitoris may become more erect than usual, her nipples may be especially sensitive. Kiss, lick and nibble her gently and slowly all down her body: mouth, neck, breasts, tummy.
By the time you reach her clitoris and the lips of her vagina you will probably be amazed at her juicy receptiveness! And she may come more quickly than usual too.
One of the more unfortunate side effects of the contraceptive pill is to interrupt this beautiful cycle of fertility and desire – so of course if your partner is on the pill or some other kind of hormonal treatment, there will be less fluctuation.
All in the mind?
For both men and women, sex is more than a purely physical thing. Most people get aroused by 'naughty' thoughts, and most of us know that what you think of during sex affects your enjoyment. Sharing – and perhaps acting out - your fantasies can be one of the most exciting ways to spice up a relationship!
And it may surprise you to know that women can sometimes achieve spontaneous orgasm purely through fantasizing or, as has happened to me, through sexy dreams.
One way or another, women's conscious and unconscious thoughts play a very big role in their sexual response, their sexual arousal and desire.
To enjoy sex to the full, most women need to feel a sense of mutual respect and trust; a lot of women also need to feel nurtured and cared for. Ideally, of course, most of us also want to be loved – and to feel some level of commitment from their partner.
A secret fear of many women is that of feeling 'used' – just one in a string of lovers, soon forgotten. Of course we all, men and women, deserve better than that. So even where there is not yet any intention of commitment, it is still important to make your partner feel safe and special.
A word here about power and force. Most women love to experience masculine strength – they may even fantasize about being held down by a strong man - but in reality it can be quite scary being naked and vulnerable with someone bigger and stronger than yourself. There's a world of difference between a game and the real thing.
Some women fantasize about being forced to have sex – but that doesn't mean they really want it to happen! So be sensitive and careful, and – if your partner wishes - find ways to play out fantasies safely. Of course there are some people who do enjoy violence as part of their sexuality, but that is outside the scope of this article.
Is good sex just a question of pushing the right buttons?
Men, in my experience, often have a rather mechanical approach to sex. This is not surprising, given the focus of male brain development – and the quick, easy arousal they achieve through stimulation of the penis.
Women's bodies, however, require a less direct approach and offer lots of exciting but less obvious sensitive zones. I have actually met men who think that fondling my nipples with one hand and exploring my clitoris and vulva with the other is going to turn me on!
Well, it might – if the setting was right, if I was crazy about the guy, and if lots of other more gentle exploration had taken place beforehand. If he had kissed me slowly and gently on my lips and neck, stroked my hair, softly caressed my body all over, saving the 'obvious' places till last... now just thinking about that is starting to turn me on!
Yes guys, kissing really is important – and not just on the mouth, but all over!
The truth is, kissing well is much easier when you do really care about the person. Then it becomes a gorgeously pleasurable experience in itself – tasting, probing, exploring - not just a necessary prelude to sex. Our mouths are extremely sensitive organs, capable of giving and receiving so much pleasure.
Our earliest unconscious memories are of oral gratification, through being fed as tiny babies: our earliest experience of love and care. (It's hardly surprising that so many men just love to nuzzle our breasts and take our nipples in their mouths!) At the next stage of development, any new object was first stuffed into our mouths, as we explored our whole world by taste and texture.
Sex is a fantastic opportunity to revisit our most primal desires and satisfaction – when else do we really get to explore another human being in such an intimate way?!
Take time to rediscover what your lips and tongue can do. However, please remember that nibbling must be gentle – the majority of women do NOT want to be hurt, so restrain those biting instincts!
Think of kissing as a mouth massage. This is the most delightful way to explore those multiple erogenous zones which your partner will surely have. There is nothing more erotic than feeling your lover work his way slowly up, down, over and across your body, stroking and kissing.
The longer you can restrain yourself from visiting the 'obvious' places (i.e., breasts and vaginal area) the more turned on your partner will be, and when you do finally reach that secret place, she will be desperate for deep, fulfilling sex!
Cuddling, stroking and touch in general are also all-important for most women. Do them often! And if you really want to win brownie points, learn a holistic, sensual massage technique that will soothe her body, mind and spirit – and bring you closer on every level.