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Adult Jokes Corner - 17

1.7K views
asked Oct 4 in Articles by longhands1 (85,850 points)
edited Oct 4 by longhands1

Adult Jokes Corner - 17

Little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says no butter for 2 weeks!

Little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says no honey for 2 weeks.

Mom kills a cockroach. Little boy turns to dad and says "are you gonna tell her or shall I tell her? "

devil

Guptaji  boards a Jet Airways flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As Guptaji settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous woman boarding the plane. Guptaji soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to Guptaji.

Eager to strike up a conversation, Guptaji asks "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention."

Guptaji swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman Guptaji has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, Guptaji calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" Guptaji says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, whereas actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardar."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know  your name!"

"Venkataraman!" Guptaji blurts out, "Venkataraman Banerjee! But all my friends call me Joginder Singh!"

devil

A man and his wife went to a "sexologist". The "Doctor" took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the "Doctor" he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.

He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said, "Ok, you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband." Then the sexologist went into the other office and told the husband, "You can relax.

There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either !

devil

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”

devil

Little Johnny was kicked out of Maths class by his teacher. Apparently, *"mouthwash"* wasn't the right answer for the question "what comes after 69?"

devil

In a job interview with an international NGO fighting for equal rights, Johnny was asked how he views Lesbian relationships ? He was kicked out. Apparently *"In Full HD"*wasn't the right answer

devil

Teacher:- Complete the sentence. "If my cup is only half full.. Little Johnny:- *"Maybe you need a smaller Bra !!* Teacher:- GET OUT!!!

devil 

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys? Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, *"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."* The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?" Little Johnny countered by saying, *"That's because girls get boobs, and they are heavier than the guys' balls."*
Seems logical to me also. I don't know why he was thrown out the class again !!

devil

A married woman complains to her mother: I'm divorcing Kuldip. All he want's is just sex..
My asshole is now the size of 1 rupee coin....!!!!! It used to be the size of a 25 paise coin earlier .....
Mother responds: Dear, You are married to a crorepati lawyer. You live in an 8 bedroom mansion, You drive a Mercedes 300SEL, You get 1,00,000 a week allowance. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw everything away just for 75paise ?

devil

In a Store in US a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter". To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him.

So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?"

To this the boy said, "I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!"

The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Brazil".

To this the boy was stunned for a moment,but regained his posture and asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

Moral:-
Presence of mind helps, Never Panic,
There's always a solution!

devil

Billionaire Virgin business group boss Richard Branson has offered to sponsor the Indian cricket team currently reeling after a string of tournament defeats.
However, the Board of Control for Cricket of India (BCCI) has politely refused the generous multi-million-pound offer by the cricket-mad magnate.
As one of the Board official snapped: "We can't have VIRGIN written on our shirts, when we're getting screwed in every match in England"!
devil

Shaadi mey: Aap ko pehechaana nahi. Aap kis ke taraf se aaye hain.
GUEST: Mai ladki waalon ke taraf se hoon.
HOST: Dhokebaaz! Iss shaadi mey koi ladki nahi. Dono ladke hain!

devil

लड़की डेट पर जा रही थी। चिंतित माँ ने उसे कंडोम दिया।

लड़की हँसी और माँ से बोली *यही सोच तो बदलनी है माँ, मैं जूली के साथ डेट पर जा रही हूँ , मुझे मूली दो.......

devil

खत्म हुआ छेद में भेद,

हर छेद एक समान।

Section377
devil

Husband to wife : "Darling, I have to confess you that when I’m sleeping with you, I sometimes think about other women.".

Wife : "You bastard, I always knew you don't love me. I love you so much that even when I am sleeping with other men, I always think about you."

devil

बॉयफ्रेंड – ऐसा करते हैं, हम दोनों कुछ दिन साथ रहकर देखते हैं. अगर हमारे मिजाज़ मिले तो शादी कर लेंगे,
और अगर गलती हुई तो अलग हो जायेंगे.

गर्ल फ्रेंड – *“गलती”* किसके पास रहेगी ???

devil

Banta: why are you hospitalized?

Santa: Padosan ki BILLI mere MURGE ke peechhe padi hui thi. Maine uske husband ko English me bataya, Usne mujhe bahut maara....

Banta: Aisa kya bataya?

Santa: "Control your wife's pussy. She is crazy about my cock..

devil

There is a limit to check on your husband ! Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went..

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

The husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad and apparently he had the time of his life.
devil

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you,it's only when you leave her a virgin.

devil
Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant! Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!

devil

Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you? To see if you really mean it!

 

devil
Why is sex similar to shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.

devil

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

devil

 

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting screwed!

devil

This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan ....... "We stare because we care!"

devil

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice! Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once? Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

devil

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

devil

Jack :-“My elbow really hurts I guess I should see doctor.

His friend “Don’t be so desi. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Jack figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read- You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical
science forever,Jack began to wonder if it could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.?

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis.......

*1.*Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.?

*2.*Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.?

*3.*Your daughter is getting’ screwed by three guys at the same time and has urinary infection. Put her on Antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.

*4.* Your wife is pregnant . . . twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

*5.* And Bastard, If you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better!

devil




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3 Answers

0 like 0 dislike
Good collection of jokes.... enjoy !
answered Oct 4 by DCSB (540 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Brilliant work @longhands1!

These jokes are really funny, a couple of them brought pain to my jaws and stomach.
answered Oct 4 by gr8gaur (2,565 points)
edited Oct 5 by longhands1
commented Oct 5 by longhands1 (85,850 points)
Thanks Gaur. If only we had more people who would laugh in this world, this World would be a great place to live in.
0 like 0 dislike
Oh dear God woo #longhands1

Seriously dude you're too good.  I laughed so much got my mouth stretched, really amazing buddy...
answered Oct 10 by 180057raj (130 points)
edited Oct 11 by longhands1
commented Oct 11 by longhands1 (85,850 points)
Thanks Raj. Happy to hear you enjoyed the post and happier that you have taken the trouble to say it.

This world is such a serious place that sometimes we live like robots, rushing from morning to night. If we all laughed heartily sometimes, we would find meaning to our lives.

Hope you read all our past posts too and do share it with your Friends or better still .....convince them to join our Site. It costs nothing.

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