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Adult Jokes Corner - 16

asked Sep 29, 2018 in Articles by longhands1 (93,455 points)

At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the Thai girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
I replied, "Wow, you Thai women are really hospitable!"
A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"What she really said was: 666136429."
Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear.


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a
whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father
many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."


Discussion about Arranged marriage—

English man : "How could you marry a Woman before knowing her?"
Indian man : "How could you marry a Woman AFTER knowing her?"

Two pissed drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her
manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act, on their way back.........

1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would you say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window!!!!


An English teacher cut 10 full marks from a know-it-all student for using 'has' instead of 'is.
Frustrated to the core the boy asked : "Sir, how much difference can it possibly make ?"
The teacher replied: "Young man, compare 'What an ass she IS and what an ass she HAS' ."


A prostitute went to the clinic because her private hair had stopped growing.
She asked the doctor what could be the cause.
The doctor looked at her and responded ,
*" have you ever seen grass growing on a busy road???*


Dentist: Kya aap "Oral B" Karti ho..??*
Lady: 'oral bhi' Karna padta hai Dr. saab, uske bina inka KHADA hi nahi hota...*

*Mallika Sheravat ghode pe baithi..*
*Ghodewala~* *Madam !* *Ghoda bahut khush hai*
*Mallika~ Ghoda Ho Ya koi bhi ho, meri do taango k beech jo bhi aata hai khush hi rehta hai*

*Mahesh Bhatt to Sunny Leone:*
*What's the difference between being hungry & horny?*
*Sunny Leone: It depends where I put the cucumber...!*

*Ejaculation Is Achieved By The Last Stroke, This Doesn't Mean That First Stroke Was
*Achievement Is A Result Of CONTINOUS EFFORT.*

*A tie is men's equivalent attire to womens dupatta*
*While the dupatta can hide a woman's assets, the tie is men's way of pointing to where their
asset is....*

*Why is SANIA MIRZA jealous of *SAINA NEHWAL?*
*Any guesses? No!*
*Because* -
*MIRZA gets 2play with BALLS,*
*Whereas NEHWAL plays with COCK!*

*Son: Mom do you know our maid is an angel?*
*Mom: Why do u think so ??*
*Son: I saw her naked with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!"*
*If it wasn't for dad that was holding her tight from behind..she would have gone to heaven....*

If u want to sexually satisfy a woman, then change position daily...*
*And If u want to satisfy yourself, then change woman daily..*
*---Thailand Tourism Slogan;-*


The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left.

When they were alone, the Minister said in his sternest lecturing voice.
"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why Minister," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the minister, placing his head between her boobs. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not, Minister," she said. "You're not plugged in yet!"


To all the older men in the group...
Mr. Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Tom, a 65-year-old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife the year before. Rumor had it he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Mr. Peabody asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom replied, "Yes, it is true."
Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?"
Tom replied, "She'll be 21 in November."
Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be
satisfied by an 65-year-old man.
Mr. Peabody wanted Tom's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully suggested that Tom
should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired hand that very afternoon.
Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Tom in town again.
Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?"
Tom replied, "Good. She's pregnant."
Mr. Peabody was pleased his sage advice had worked out so well.
He asked, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too!"
MORAL: Never underestimate old men.


Mira Nair made a film on Lesbians, called "Fire"*
She is now making a film on homosexuals, called *"Back Fire"*
Seeing this, Karan Johar has decided to make a movie on bisexuals, title is -
*"Kabhi Pussy, Kabhi Bum"


At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.
One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother." he explained.
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am.....
I'm her mother!"


A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function. When it was time for introductions you
could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that etc.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area of specialization.
And the lady calmly responded: I demolish erections.


A *Postman* was *retiring after 35 years of service.
The town people *appreciated* his work and *presented him different gifts*....
In one house, a young *lady took him to her bedroom* gave him *good sex*, a lavish lunch and *10 Rupees*.....
The Postman was very happy and asked *But why the 10 Rupees*?
Lady : "Actually yesterday, I asked my husband what to present you?
He said *Fuck him*. just *give 10 Rupees to him* !!!!!
But, the *lunch* was *my idea*.....
Always *give clear instructions* .. .. ..


Wife : Shirt pe lipstick ka nishan kahan se aaya?
Husband: Main khud pareshan hoon. Maine to us waqt shirt kya, pant bhi nahin pehni thi.


When Harry first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, He was
delighted, as was his wife.
But... After several weeks, his penis had grown 50 centimetres. He became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing and even walking.
So his wife and he went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to them that, though rare, his condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.
How long will he be on crutches?" His wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
*Well,"* said the wife coldly, *“you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"*

Customer - My wife needs a pair of Jeans...but I dont remember her waist size.
Sales girl - touch my waist and try to calculate...
Customer - Oh I forgot - she needs Bra also......


Wedding night confession:
HUSBAND: I'm sorry, I have slept with a lot of prostitutes
WIFE: I knew it!! your face looks so familiar
Husband fainted


*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that
was the origin of "buy one get one free"!*
*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra,
Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's the origin of "BP"!*
*3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.

Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.*
*4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.*
*5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a
*6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you
'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!*
*7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.*
*8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A
wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!*
*9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".*

Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.

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