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My Friend doubts his wife's fidelity. Is he right?

asked Aug 11, 2018 in Questions by gr8gaur (3,190 points)

Before I ask this question, I want to clarify that this is really about my friend and not me cause I'm unmarried and also cause he doesn't believe in all this online discussion and stuff.

I have a friend who was my boss equivalent in the office for a brief period (now shifted to another office in the same city) and we bonded during the office parties. He also lives in my vicinity. Despite me being his junior he is fond of me and very influenced by my thoughts and my nature.

Coming back to his problem, this friend is 34, married for 6 years with a daughter and he regularly attends office parties and all other parties that he's invited to. Now in one of the parties he took his wife as well (he often does) and there he introduced her to a guy from a different company, the moment they met, the wife and that guy stared at each other for a minute (not with lust) and when asked do they know each other both denied.

This obviously pissed my friend cause he knew his wife lied and they had a brief showdown later at home. Wife kept denying and he kept asking till he let go and gave her silent treatment (on my advice) for next week or so. His wife eventually gave up and told him that he was her 1st serious boyfriend, that they were in LIVE-IN and that the boy friend cheated on her, should have been the end of story.

Somehow he was still not convinced and through spying on her mobile and by other means he got his facts straight. THE WIFE LIED TO HIM ! It was the other way around, the wife cheated on him (party guy- BF) and left him after 1 year for her ex-boss, she was with this boss for 3 years. In one of the old facebook chats he uncovered, he got to know that wife still misses her ex-boss, but that chat was couple of years old and to a female friend of hers.

Back to the present, now my friend doesn't trust his wife, thinks she might still be in touch with the ex-boss (wife is a housewife), and doubts his 6 years of married life. I tried to convince him that all this doesn't matter and that it doesn't prove his wife is cheating on him but he counters me with my philosophy that ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER, that she lied about her character.

Somehow I feel a bit responsible that my thought and beliefs which (in his words) influences him a lot, has a lot to do with this situation. This friend of mine is a great guy, loyal to his wife but in looks is like 5/10 where as his wife is sort of 8/10. The reason I mention this is cause husbands (with average  looks) who have pretty wives are often jealous and full of doubt and though he doubts her often, he hides this from her, but this time he feels he has got a genuine case.

What should I do to make him understand ?

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4 Answers

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There is no cure for the suspicious mind and it sounds that he has made his mind about his wife and he does not want to listen anyone anymore so you have not much to do to get him understand that still he does not have a direct evidence that shows that she is cheating on him after the marriage.

What she did before the marriage is not his business and he should not judge his wife based on her past as she is no more like that person. All the people do make mistakes in their past but that does not mean that they are bad people.

Let him know that he is making a mistake and he will resent himself with time. I would say suggest him to see the marriage counselor who can get him understand what is the right thing to do in his situation and how to fix his issues.

If his wife is loyal and has not done anything wrong after the marriage then he has nothing to worry. Suggest him to take the professional help and then put the ball in his court to decide and make sure that you keep yourself away from this drama otherwise you will end up in a mess.
answered Aug 12, 2018 by alpesh kapdi (28,795 points)
selected Aug 14, 2018 by gr8gaur
commented Aug 12, 2018 by gr8gaur (3,190 points)
Thanx for the reply mate, my role in this saga is limited to giving advice only. Also I told him that as long as she doesn't commit adultery or didn't committed any in past 6 years then it doesn't matter, rest is up to him.
0 like 0 dislike
I don't think you can do much here this situation will improve only when his wife does something out of the box that he do not expect from her.
answered Aug 12, 2018 by myselfarun (2,005 points)
commented Aug 12, 2018 by gr8gaur (3,190 points)
Yeah, I hope so too. He needs to trust his wife till he starts noticing some dead sure signs is what i told him.
0 like 0 dislike
What one sow, has to reep without hesitation, taking full responsibilty. As of now, you both come to know that she had live in relationship with her boy friend, and had live in with her ex-boss. What is left for your friend - everything is over. He has all the reasons to suspect her and act further.

As she is polyamarous - the norm of monogamy will not be applicable to her. By the way What is fidelity? It has no meaning for the lifestyle she had chosen.
answered Aug 12, 2018 by solliadi (5,075 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Once a doubter, always a doubter..

Your advicing or philosophy preached has become a trap for you.

Next time you want to advice someone remember this :
How hard it is to change Yourself, then why are you worried about changing others.

Happy un-advicing

Aru verma
answered Aug 26, 2018 by aruverma (570 points)

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