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My wife is getting friendly with her Male Colleagues. How to tackle this?

asked Mar 10 in Questions by vikramsingh (200 points)
edited Mar 14 by longhands1

My wife is behaving slightly weird lately. She stays in touch with her office colleagues more than what can be considered comfortable.

I have seen her mobile ringing late at night and she gets up and starts replying. She makes it sound like casual office banter but I'm getting my doubts. This problem has started since she has started going to office in a car pool arrangement with her office colleagues. The other 3 are Males. I don't find that wrong as it's actually economical considering the distance and cost and obviously I can't blame her since there aren't many women in her office.

But I have noticed some changes in her. Especially her dressing and her priorities. She has begun wearing loose sleeveless tops and carying jackets to wear later in office. Earlier she used to wear more decent tops or Indian wear.

This isn't everything. The three are constantly active in their WhatsApp group. Besides two of them are unmarried guys, and the third one who is married but doesn't stay with his wife as she is working in another city.

Last weekend she invited them for dinner and she was dressed in quiet a revealing dress. On the dinner table, there was constant flitry undertones, which a guy like me won't fail to miss. They constantly kept giving her attention which I feel she was loving it too and she hardly even spoke to me. When I asked her about it to her later, she told me not to think too much as the four of them are great friends only.

Now, she has told me she was planning a night out with them together with 'other office friends' on a weekend. She told me that I can have my nightouts with my buddies. (We usually have this arrangement where we do not go together for nightouts so that our kid has one parent always available which is how I have gone for my drinking with friends earlier).

I have serious doubts about certain things but I just don't know how to tackle these concerns..

I'm not an imposing kind of guy and my major concern arises from how guys are.. if not my wife is to be blamed here.

Please help.

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commented Mar 11 by kunal003 (105 points)
reshown Mar 13 by longhands1
Vikram js seating nd waiting for da worst to happen U need to act on da situation now as ur wife is driving on wrong path
Which will only leads to destruction of ur happy family. Tell ur wife today only yes today dat u dont feel comfortable talking with these guys late night nd tell her dats she will not go on any night out with them just say no to her. Tell her that any guys who talk nd give attention to them there only motive is to get inside there panties .you need to put stop to these situation nd in these process if she start crying or get angry its shudnt be matter of ur concern as all ya doing is to protect ur family . Grow some balls nd make da decision now. One thing u need to do is tell her to quit da job nd find somewhere else yes tell her dat u shud go to any extent to save ya marriage
commented Mar 11 by kunal003 (105 points)
reshown Mar 13 by longhands1
As i read from hiya you told that these guys are bachelor .so they are all staying alone means the night out they are planning is dat they will have booz at there home just three of them nd ur wife nd u know where will it lead . So before its to late u have to stop all these nonsense thats harming ur marriage . I think ur wife lying to u bout her other office frnds on planned night out which i dont thing there r any other friends on planned night out just 4 of them ur wife nd other guys u to know where its leading  these . So tell her to quit the job, no late night talking or any kind of talking with these guys nd even she doesnt listen involve her parents nd tell them everything or tell her ur gonna file for divorce. Ur wife doesnt respect u even she knows that it bother u to being more friendly with these guys .from what i have seen these guys r more important to her then ur marriage nd ur kid . U have to ttake a stand . If u cant respect ur self none gonna respect u .
commented Mar 11 by kunal003 (105 points)
reshown Mar 13 by longhands1
Your wife is not innocent dude and her intention are not looking good to. Have u read the message between them .does she place the phone closer to her always nd is there a passcode on her phone. If u ask her phone nd if she get defensive then something is going on between ur wife nd these guys .sorry ur guts feeling are right. Ur wife is not a child she is adult nd she knows what she is doing nd how u feel bout it. Its like she dont give a cent bout ur feelings  .sorry to be frank i wud neva want someone as a lifepartner who doesnt know the boundaries in marriage nd relationship .instead of being misery for rest of ma life nd being with cheater i wud divorce her nd move on .
commented Mar 11 by kunal003 (105 points)
reshown Mar 13 by longhands1
How long you have been married. How many kids u have. Does she come late from office .? Is she on phone even at home ? Does she goes to work on weekdays even if derz weekoff .? Can u give us some brief info about ur situation and how long this going on means how long she has been friend with these guys .i think u need to go through her phone whatsapp message to know whats really going on and whats they really talking . She might be dressing revealing clothes to impress on of the guy from 3 friends .she might have crush on one of the guy . U need to know all this before its too late . As per now tell she is not going on night out alone with these guys without u .
commented 6 days ago by vikramsingh (200 points)
She is in a Government job, so definitely there's no quitting. We have a single child and she is a great mother. No doubts about thaat.

Her phone is password protected, like almost everybody's and I don't have access. I haven't minded it till now though.

Her working culture has been such that she goes to work on off days too sometimes and it's not new that I might object to. They are just new friends in her office as people are transferred every year or so. These guys are in her department, two are her Seniors and one probably is a Junior..

Her dresses are revealing. She generally manages with a jacket in office, which means she is minus that when traveling with them in the car.

I have my doubts about this which I'm planning to check on soon. I haven't noted yet if she has a crush on any one in particular, but she is very beautiful and there's no doubt people do fall for her all the time.

She has confirmed there are few more office colleagues for the night out and girls are included. I don't have a choice as I am gonna look a spoilsport, if I object to her going.

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6 Answers

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Aren’t you getting a bit hyped about your wife’s behavior? In your last question you had expressed doubts about her father’s presence leading to her more expressive performance during sex with you.

Well, that seemed far-fetched, but this has some basis. However, it is will never make for a smooth and cordial relationship, once you begin suspecting your wife of misdemeanors. Every little action of hers will start haunting you and make you feel that she is having an affair.

You have already spoken to her about this and she has told you clearly that you are imagining things. So, either you have to take her word for it or keep doubting her and creating unhappiness in your lives. I do not find her doing any thing which is suspicious. She goes to office with her colleagues (which you approve of as it is economical and makes sense). If she is attending to her mobile, it is in your presence and the conversation is not behind her back.

So what if she dresses up well. You should be proud of her. She has invited her colleagues for meals in your presence    

When you go out with your Buddies for a Night out it is acceptable, when she wants to do it, it is suspicious. If you are really unhappy, tell her that she should not go. If that gives you happiness, then she will agree.

Stop hyperventilating. Marriage is all about trust and dialogue.
answered Mar 10 by longhands1 (78,215 points)
edited 6 days ago by longhands1
commented Mar 10 by vikramsingh (200 points)
Well.. I'm not suspecting her Longhands.

The earlier issue never got resolved. It's only an observation and it will be just that as i didn't get a logical conclusion, since it was too sensitive to really discuss with her.. but it still persists in my head when her father comes visiting.

My issue here is not due to lack of trust. Sometimes, I feel that she is too naive and she might just get led on by those guys, or may be she likes the attention.

We all are humans and I'm just protective of her. They aren't very old friends and closeness like that might be suspicious. I don't have issues with her dressing good or looking appealing.. she is anyway appealing enough..

I just find a trail of events leading to another.. I'm not getting into her phone.. but it's weird that she is giving so much attention to her 3 colleagues all of the sudden.. and planning to go ahead for night outs with them..(I'm not even sure who else is gonna be there).
commented Mar 10 by longhands1 (78,215 points)

You hit the nail on the head when you said maybe she is seeking attention. Yes she is. But it then follows that you are not paying the same attention to her as you did earlier.

When was the last time, you both went on a holiday together? I find it odd that one of you has to be with the child and in the past was always she that sacrificed her time, while you went out with your buddies.

Now, that the boot is in the other foot, it does not feel nice, eh? Women are rarely naive. She knows what she is doing. Problem is you can't digest it.
commented Mar 11 by vikramsingh (200 points)
even if i do agree that i have been giving slightly lesser attention to her, does it mean she gets the licence to take it from anybody else?
i don't think so.. it's a responsibility of both people to make their marriage interesting..
not that ours is really boring.. we do enjoy our time together.. plan movies and occasional dinners..
yeah.. I'm not saying she is naive.. but three guys giving complete attention to a woman can make hey go off track.. that's what my tension really is.
but i feel if i challenge this situation it might only get worse.
a person generally wants to do things they feel they are bound to do in life.. at least that's one thing I'm sure of about my wife..
0 like 0 dislike
The night out she's planning..... get to know how many persons she's talking about are aboard the plan, and then verify somehow.

I suggest you befriend one of her office friend (not one of the three you suspect) and gather some information from him/her.

The other way to know is to mirror her actions, like getting chatty on phone late at night and see if it bothers her.

BTW, don't get me wrong.... but what do you actually mean by revealing dress that she wore when she invited the trio? Too revealing or just a bit revealing?
answered Mar 10 by gr8gaur (1,910 points)
commented Mar 11 by vikramsingh (200 points)
hi Gr8gaur,

thanks for your analysis.. but the suggestion isn't much possible.. I don't have any way to get close to any office colleague as we are from totally different industries.
it could have given me more insight if that was possible as i only get to know whatever she shares with me as of now.
I'm not a guy to get to friendly with my colleagues.. and spend time with them.. and she don't bother much if i am on my phone.. it's all the more reason for her to be on hers.. already tried.

she was wearing a mini skirt which even i hadn't seen before.. complete shaved legs.. revealing cleavage.. too much to seem subtle.. she looked hot..
but for a dinner at home?.. it seemed too much.. we weren't going out or something.. she had been in PJs too with her earlier friends when they came visiting.
isn't she getting too comfortable with these guys.. especially when they are just office colleagues?
commented Mar 12 by gr8gaur (1,910 points)
Now you're contradicting yourself here. In your question you said that you have drinks with your friends and she babysits and vice versa, and then in response to my answer you say 'I'm not a guy to get friendly with my colleagues and spend time with them'? Take your pick! You got friends or you got none?

Anyways, now there are only 3 options left.

1. Either confront her.
2. Keep getting tortured and imagining what would be they upto during the 'night out'.

For a healthy marriage, its very important to raise your concerns and get them addressed. If I was in your place I would have confronted her about her behavior at the dinner. If she doesn't respond and shrug off your concern then you should involve families.

See, its very clear from what you describe that this is leading to or has already reached the stage which every single married guy in your place dreads. Now either you take it head on and put an end to this mental harassment or you keep suffering.

3rd option I'm afraid might not be your cup of tea, its called tit for tat. When there is a child involved then there is no getting out of the marriage and then some people decide 'TO HELL WITH HER'....... I ain't gonna suffer and I'm gonna live my life to the fullest even if it doesn't include her'.

I know you might think its childish and impractical but I suggests only those medicines that I take myself. Being egoistic and selfish really helps in these situations. Besides, doing things not in your nature is another challenge presented by life. At least think about it even if you don't act on it.

Choice is yours!
commented Mar 13 by vikramsingh (200 points)
Regarding my going for drinks, I do it with only my close buddies who are my school/college friends, not my random office colleagues as I know it's not friendship in office.

I wouldn't have been too concerned had my wife been meeting her old guy friends too since there's a certain trust in old friendships.

I have already tried talking to her about my concerns. She has told me it's far-fetched if I think they could harm her and I shouldn't worry as she is mature enough to take care of herself.

At least in words, she has told she doesn't consider anything more than friendship with them and likes to spend time with them. that's all.

I can't take the option of divorce. I can't give my kid a fatherless childhood for our mistakes for sure.
commented Mar 13 by gr8gaur (1,910 points)
I never suggested divorce, did I? I know divorce is painful and brain sucking specially when a kid is involved. But speaking of divorce, who told you that your kid will have a fatherless childhood? Not in the times of shared custody and certainly not if you could prove her infidelity.

But as I said, I'm not talking about divorce.... all I'm saying is either you take her word even though you can't and never will, or you draw the line and move on if she doesn't care. Now moving on means living like a bachelor married guy.
0 like 0 dislike
If she is speaking and giving attention to other guys more than you while you are there then she is crossing the boundaries and she does not understand that is not okay with you.  Moreover, it is clear that she is more involved in those guys than you which is not good for the married life which she should understand.

Talk to her about your feelings and let her know how you are uncomfortable with her behavior and hear what she has to say. She cannot run away by saying that you have nothing to worry and they are just friends instead she has to assure and needs to take steps to make you feel secure in the relationship.

If she does not see this as an issue then you have to be ready to face the worst time and it is the beginning of that. If she loves you and she does not have any bad intention towards those guys then she will stop behaving this way. Overall, you have a thing to worry as that is for sure.
answered Mar 11 by alpesh kapdi (23,260 points)
commented Mar 11 by vikramsingh (200 points)
you got my point alpesh.. that's what i explained her.. but she doesn't seem to understand and I'm not good at pushing the point..
I'm left to imagination when she leaves for carpooling with those guys. especially since they are bachelors.. and i know how men talk and behave with women.. not that these guys were very old friends.. i never flirted with my best friends.. who are girls ever..
once i did enquire how they sit in the car when she asked me why do i need to even know about that.. so i stopped wanting to know anything more.
but i can see her behaving like she is in college.. if you know what i mean.
and now she wants to spend more time which is adding more doubts..

plus i really doubt the intentions of those guys.. i feel they might want to take advantage on the night out they are planning..
I'm not sure how to tackle it without screwing my marriage
commented Mar 11 by akashprakash9999 (200 points)
You can scan her WhatsApp through barcode and read her messages. It is better way to see what's going on than having a fight with her.
commented Mar 12 by vikramsingh (200 points) ways.. it's password protected.. :(
0 like 0 dislike
I don't know how you found it okay when your wife is going on night out with three guys. No husband will allow his wife to go out with three guys where she is going to spend her whole night.

God knows where and what they will do with her. What if they spike her drink and do something bad to her. So you need to stand firm and tell you wife it is not ok with her going alone with these guys as you don't feel their intentions are good.

No married women will stay all night out with men who are not their husbands. Sorry, I feel there is something fishy here. Either you have to confront your wife about this and tell her to choose between three guys and your marriage.

If she doesn't understand, tell her that you will inform her parents and file for divorce. If you want to save the marriage tell her no night out without her husband's presence .

And another thing is that you need to check her mobile WhatsApp messages. There are too many red flags here .
answered Mar 11 by kunal003 (105 points)
edited Mar 13 by longhands1
commented Mar 13 by vikramsingh (200 points)
she isn't going out with only the three guys.. she is going in a group.. her office group.
there aren't any spouses there.. only office people..

what you pointed out comes in my mind too.. but it's a probability.. not sure that might happen.. on that basis i don't know how to confront her..
for arguments like these, she says she is adult and can take care of herself..

hey WhatsApp is private with no access.. there are many couples who do that in our circle now..
0 like 0 dislike
She must not be getting attention from you. Those 3 guys must be trying to get into her pants.
You should try to make her feel special. Give her gifts and take care of her. Give her a head massage etc.
Make her feel special and tell her what you think asking us will not change anything. Confront her.

But one thing I can say for sure if she is a whore or someone who has will to cheat there's nothing you can do about it.

I think people who cheat their partner are worst.
answered Mar 11 by akashprakash9999 (200 points)
commented Mar 13 by vikramsingh (200 points)
She isn't the cheating kind. I know for sure. But i feel she is getting caught up in the situation..

We spend enough time together during weekends.. as a couple.
0 like 0 dislike
i think you would put a spy behind her..
it's very unusual for a woman to be flirting with three men..
does she see porns of that sort..mebbe they are already involved much deeper than you know or feel
you don't know the possibilities in a car.. i assume.. from what you mentioned.. loose tops.. long distances..
mebbe follow a bit in your car..
you need to gear up man.. your woman seems to be slipping outta hand
answered Mar 11 by wick007 (420 points)

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