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Should I allow my sister to have an extramarital relationship with my Neighbour?

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asked Mar 8 in Questions by pawan_jhan (120 points)
edited Mar 9 by longhands1

Hi Users,

We have all been taken for a Ride. This question was asked by this User in 2012. He has made a new User Registration and asked the same Question again. But you can fool all people some of the Time, some people all the time, but not all People all the time. I am closing this Question and Banning the multiple Users, who wasted our time.  

Herre is the Link to the Question.

http://www.askanjali.com/72407/should-i-interrupt-my-sister

 

 

Hi, 

I came across this Site today and was pleased to see the kind of service you are rendering.  You are guiding people with their questions which they cannot ask anywhere else.  Also, it is great to see that you don’t want to make it an Erotic fantasy, rather you give very genuine answers which can help people avoid many problems which they fall in due to lack of knowledge, awareness or correct decisions.

I was just amazed to see the balance you maintain between the practical approach and moral ethics. You don’t say sex is wrong in all forms that we normally assume in our society, at the same time, you don’t promote unethical sex.    

My question:

I am 32 years old, running an NGO.  I have a sister aged 26.  She got married two years back. Her husband is a SAP Specialist and working with a multinational company. He keeps on moving from one country to other. Currently he is posted in Russia.

My sister is not very outgoing and a very shy type girl.  She never had a boyfriend and avoids meeting new people.  When her husband is abroad, she mostly lives with her in-laws. She always looks down and out.

As my wife is pregnant, she is staying with her parents and therefore, I brought my sister to my home for my help last month.  I have noticed recently that she has got close to one of my friend in the same apartment. Rather than an erotic explanation, I would say in simple words that she is in physical relationship with him for around three weeks.

He is a retired doctor from Assam Rifles. He is around 48. He was in short service commission so retired early. Though he is married, he lives alone here, as his wife is posted in a different city.  After coming in his contact, she looks very happy and juvenile.  I am very confused if I should interrupt and stop her or should I ignore and let her exercise her freedom of life .   

Sometime I feel I should interrupt her as she is my younger sister.  Also, one thing is bothering me that they have realized that I know about their relationship and as a result they are taking me for granted.  Even when I am at home, she comfortably moves out to his flat. She just walks to his flat anytime she wants and even spends nights without asking for my permission. 

Other times I feel as they are mature, very sincere and can manage their relationship with all privacy, I should not interfere and let them continue.  Also they don’t look serious or committed for any long term relationship, but just availing the opportunity.

I would still want a second thought from the Editors and the readers to get a better insight and take an appropriate decision.




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11 Answers

0 like 0 dislike
Pawan,

A sincere “Thanks” for all the good things you have said about our Site. You may not be aware but we are doing this Service gratis and every User who takes the trouble to “Answer” the questions, invests his/her time, patience and knowledge so that someone, somewhere will benefit from his/her words of wisdom and Advice.    

You are right. Maintaining a fine balance between eroticism and practicality is what we are striving for and is a Herculean task.

You have an enviable task at hand, from what you have so succinctly described. Should you interfere or should you turn a blind eye to your married Sister’s sexual dalliance? At this juncture, when your Sister is smitten by a man who is twice her age, and who must be charming, having a pedigree of being in the Armed Forces, it would be rather difficult for you to act either way.

What are Family relations for if you cannot caution them when you are aware that something is going wrong? She is your Sister. Also since she is now staying with you, it is now your responsibility to see that nothing goes wrong during your watch. Your Bro-in-law and Wife have entrusted her to you in their absence and you need to protect her. You may argue that she is an adult and capable of taking her own decisions. I would agree, if she was not staying at your place.

You need to speak to her, but not sound like you are interfering. Of course, she looks happy. Stealing forbidden fruit has that effect. It does sound unpleasant that she spends the night away, with your passive connivance. Don’t be misled by believing that everything will end up hunky-dory, after some time. Love and Passion, have a tendency of escalating and I have seen it happen too often.

One of your tags for this question was incest (which I have deleted). Can you explain what is going through your mind?
answered Mar 8 by longhands1 (82,610 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Brother as you mentioned that she never had a boyfriend and avoids meeting new people.  When her husband is abroad, she mostly lives with her in-laws. She always looks down and out.

It looks like she does not have that much maturity to understand seriousness of relationships at this age too. She is still little bit immature. But as her husband is at abroad, she is craving for her sexual need and she has found an alternate to fulfill her physical needs.

As a elder brother now its your responsibility to make her aware of responsibilities associated with sexual relationships, married life and her own life. Directly or indirectly you have to make her understand that alternate solution is not an sex outside marriage. Go for masturbation or if her husband is out for short period then make her to control her urges. If her husband is outside for longer period then talk to him to take his wife with him too.  Keep her busy with some works. A leisure mind is evil's home.

If your sister still shows rebel attitude. Send her back at her in laws. For the day to day work appoint a maid. Do not have any talk with that ex army man. As he is in his own world and taking things for granted and he can make things worst too. First you have to correct your person then only you can raise finger against another person.

If situation get out of control then only take 3rd party help to interfere.

All The Best Brother.
answered Mar 8 by SHREYASH PATEL (550 points)
0 like 0 dislike
I dont agree with  the reply of longhands1. It shows his old male mindset where male consider themselves as custodian of females.  

Females are not their custodian. They would not leave any such opportunity. I would say, she has got a life time opportunity, let her enjoy this.

She is sincere and believe me she would not let you down.
answered Mar 8 by deepti-raheja (110 points)
edited Mar 9 by longhands1
commented Mar 9 by longhands1 (82,610 points)
edited Mar 9 by longhands1
deepti,

We are delighted to see you answer a Question. You have been a Member on this Site, for 8 years but have still not bothered to complete your Profile. Please do so immediately.

SURPRISINGLY, you answered only one Question asked in 2012, by the same User. Do you think we are a bunch of arseholes here?

It seems you do not have a Family or at least any Male Member in your Family. What has my Answer got to do with Gender bias? If your Father were to correct you for something, would you tell him about he being a male member, is not supposed to tell you what is good and what is bad?

If you are married, does every thing your husband say, negated by you, because he is a Male?    

Please read the following paragraph, in my Answer again:

"What are Family relations for if you cannot caution them when you are aware that something is going wrong? She is your Sister. Also since she is now staying with you, it is now your responsibility to see that nothing goes wrong during your watch. Your Bro-in-law and Wife have entrusted her to you in their absence and you need to protect her. You may argue that she is an adult and capable of taking her own decisions. I would agree, if she was not staying at your place".

Besides, how do "you" know that she is sincere and would not let her brother down.

Don't jump to conclusions and presumptions. How do you know I am a Man?!!
0 like 0 dislike
Hi Pawan,

You are really in a tricky situation. Frankly speaking, it is not wise to allow your sister for what she is doing now.
I do agree that she is missing her husband badly but it should not be taken for granted to have sex with any other man. I agree that human body has sexual desires and they need to be fulfilled but I feel that those physical needs can be controlled by a larger extent when they indulge in other activities. Just imagine what happens if your sister becomes pregnant with this out of marriage relation. Where can you hide her pregnancy?

What happens if that uncle blackmails your sister in future? What happens if he has already recorded their sexual activities and uploads or threatens to upload it on Internet or social media? That uncle or any of your neighbor who is observing her may trap your sister easily. It can go to any worse situation. Anything can happen at anytime.

Just think What happens when your BIL comes to know about your sister's extra marital affair. Mentally Matured people easily identify any woman whether she is having sexual life or not. Your BIL may come to know that your sister is having affair out of marriage. It depends on him whether he digests  or not. If he digests then it is good for all. But what happens if he is not able to digest and leaves your sister or divorces her?

Just think negative sides of your sister's current situation. In my opinion, Sex is not the only activity in life rather it is a way of getting happiness. There are other ways too for being happy. I think that your sister may be idle and she does not have much work rather than cooking and home maintenance.

Empty mind is devil's mind.  Do not let your sister be empty minded and idle. Indulge her in some activity. Tell her to join some school as a teacher or make her learn some classical music or dance. Just tell her to brush up her inner talents Or make your sister learn any short term computer course(s) so that she can join her husband at his place. It also helps her to move along with her husband in future too.

My sincere advice would be:  Do not go for short term happiness. Work for long-term happiness. Short term activities / intermediate acts may seem to be fine for the time being but some times may leave ugly stains in life. If your BIL is close to you, speak with him in direct /indirect way and ensure that your BIL and sister live together at the earliest possible. Tell him that life is not meant for money earning always rather it is meant for being happy with the loved ones.

In my view, for any married person, a loved one should be his or her life partner.The married couple should lead the life by holding a hand in hand, heart in heart, a step in step, and a soul in soul.The couple should be building their sweet home with the bricks of mutual love, care, friendship, understanding, and interdependence.They should be having Mutual respect, Mutual understanding, Mutually sharing responsibilities, Mutually Admiring / Encouraging / Appreciating each other.

Overall they should be  a nice couple living in a nice,loving and beautiful environment and be a role model for their children where the children can easily step in and be happy in their lovely home and be proud of their lovely home and parents. Last but not least. One should Lead a life in which there should be a healthy sex but not a life driven by sex.....

All the best......
answered Mar 8 by waves.hyd (105 points)
0 like 0 dislike
LH has given right thoughts. Well, my one cent. By the explanation you have given, it seems your sister has understood you well. Else she might have not taken freedom to proceed up to this stage with her short term desire. I am sure she was 100% confident on you, hence made this open move. As LH said rightly, she is married, matured and has bodily needs, probably not into control of body need as most of Indians do to please the society.

At this point, as good brother, all you can do is protect the sister from evil eye of the society and see that this matter does not disturb her married life. Handling of her married life purely depends on her relationship with her hubby who is sitting in Russia and probably not doing his duties/love as responsible husband. I guess she she should be able handle him as well.

Wishing them all the best and happy married life after hubby is back :) On a candid note : You brought into light that even at late 40s are able to take on when situation calls..hahaha.., me being in same age group :-D
answered Mar 9 by coolncute (990 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Your 2nd option is better. They are mature enough to manage their relationship and let them handle it.

As her elder brother, it is your duty to warn her once at least and then it’s their decision. As this has happened at your home (after you bringing her to your home), if they get caught, people will blame you too. So just as elder brother’s responsibility, do tell her that it is wrong to do extramarital affair, but then don’t force her with your thoughts. Let them take their own decision.
answered Mar 9 by Rati.Anil (345 points)
0 like 0 dislike
She being your sister and being married and most important thing you have brought her in absence of your wife for help from her for day to day work
But she is having physical relationship with some other person of your building its not good for her  because it will  really hurt  her badly in her near future because her husband may come to know or her in laws will come to know In future
Her family members will blame you for not interfering in such matter  
So you should speak to your sister and say what you are doing will cause marriage break up in future
answered Mar 9 by pavan350 (1,215 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Pawan, It is said and believed that the history repeats itself because i remember a question very similar like this was asked and discussed here around 3/4 years back.
You can get it in archives.
As LH have pointed out you are in a catch 22 situation.Neither you can allow her or cant stop her absolutely as if you do that, they can start meeting somewhere else.
Better you have a clear word with them and register your displeasure. As LH have rightfully pointed out most illegal relations turn out to be life destroying and in most cases lives of the innocent ones  suffers.
You are a decent guy but they are taking advantage of your goodness.
Show her you are the big brother without being too harsh and cruel.
Best of luck!
answered Mar 9 by prashant69 (7,060 points)
0 like 0 dislike
It depends on what sort of personality you have. If you're 'nosy' kind and your sister's immoral act bothers you (which is natural) then do call out on her. If you're the type 'mind own business ',  then don't.

My suggestion is you talk to her once in very clear terms and tell her that it is upto her what she wants to do with her marital life, but warn her that any consequences (like her husband getting to know) will be hers to bear, as you have your own family to take care of.

Also be firm to let her know that if the word goes out and the society and neighborhood comes to know about it and it becomes the talk of the town bringing you a bad reputation then she must be send back.  The last thing you need is taunts and become a laughing stock because of your married sister's indiscretions.
answered Mar 9 by gr8gaur (2,065 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Pawan Jha
1.Warn your friend. Ask him to shift to his wife's place. Warn him that he will inform his wife. Break your relationships with him.
2.Think over to shift your residence to some other locality.
3.Or sent back to your sister to her in lawshome and you live alone till your wife;s return.
answered Mar 10 by solliadi (2,365 points)
0 like 0 dislike
As they are mature they know what they are doing. Let them enjoy each other. Try to keep your relationship with your sister normal as before.

Show your support or allowance to do this so that she can enjoy more safely.
answered Apr 23 by hannibal.r (195 points)
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