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We have fights over sex. I want it daily, my wife does not want it at all. What to do?

asked Sep 12, 2017 in Questions by armaan4u (235 points)
edited Sep 12, 2017 by longhands1

Hey All..!!

We are married for 3 years. It was a love marriage. We were very passionate about sex before marriage. I could ask for anything and she would fullfill every desire of mine before marriage. That went for 5 months after the marriage.

After 5 months of the marriage, my wife showed reluctance in sex. She started resisting giving blowjobs though I kept licking her vagina and she liked it. She started hating giving me blowjob and lip kisses. There was a time when she completely denied me giving me any blowjob and lip kisses.    

Then we had a daughter this year. She is now more then 6 moths old. We started having sex again but that was due to my insistence only. She never likes to give me lip kiss. I get it only when we have sex when she gives me out of pleasure.

She never touches my penis, she never initiates sex, she never gives me a blowjob. If I ask for it she straghtaway denies me. She tells me, she only does sex just because of me. Sometimes we have fight over sex because I feel desire to have sex and she denies it on my face.

She does it only because of my thourough insistence. She once told me that she has no more interested in sex and does it for me only. She allows me to have sex only in missionary position. She complains of pain in Vagina that is why I have to finish it early.

While having sex it doesn't feel she is enjoying it. She does have orgasms when I suck her vagina or masturbate her, that time she kisses me on lips. Apart from that she never kisses me on the lips. Her vagina too seems to have tightened after childbirth (She had C-section operation). I have to apply some gel or oil on penis to get inside.

What happened to my wife? Why is behaving like this.

Please guide..

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5 Answers

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The problem you have narrated is quite a common one and if you read past posts, you will see that it has frustrated many men.

What looks to be fine on the outside, like a good home, a marriage, a child is indeed hell for both the partners, which makes them sad and miserable. It is often the birth of a child that leads to reduce sex craving for a woman. Studies indicate that 30 to 50 percent of women have prolonged periods of little or no sex drive.

You have to understand that this may not be in your wife’s hands. The causes are complex and range from biological to psychological factors. It has been found that diminishing levels of testosterone are a major cause for this lack off sex drive.   

Contrary to popular opinion, testosterone is not just a male hormone. Healthy young women have ten times more testosterone than oestrogen circulating in their bodies, and it regulates mood, energy and libido in women almost as much as it does in men.

Production of the hormone is stimulated by regular sex - meaning once a woman loses interest in intercourse, it can become a vicious circle. But levels of testosterone in women decline naturally by an average of 50 per cent between the ages of 20 and 45, and continue to decline - though rather less dramatically - as part of the general ageing process. So, though your wife may be trying, her body may not be responding.

You have to be more considerate. Often in a man, the sex urge increases, which puts the woman under pressure to perform, making them feel insecure and inadequate.    
The greater the stress, the more difficult it becomes to have sex. Your child is too small to leave alone, but whenever possible only you and your wife go out for a day or two. You need not have sex, but it will help her to destress. She may be also looking after your parents, which adds to the stress.  

Stress produces the hormone cortisol, which in turn leads to production of another hormone called prolactin, the “celibacy hormone”. So less or no Sex.
It is the same hormone produced by breastfeeding mothers, and is designed to reduce the risk of further pregnancies happening too soon by significantly lowering libido. It is a vicious circle.

Have a Medical Checkup done for your wife.
answered Sep 12, 2017 by longhands1 (82,510 points)
commented Sep 13, 2017 by Motilal (7,540 points)
Sit together and discuss the matter.Find out a solution.Otherwise go for medical counseling. At your age sex is necessity.Arouse her through enough foreplay and make her wet.Tell her that you want her fully,praise her beauty and activities.
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She does not want to have sex with anymore but you have to figure out the real reason behind it as no woman would starts denying for the sex without any reason. Talk to her and ask her why she does not want to sex anymore or what makes her to loss interest in sex. Please make sure that there is no emotional reason behind it as all the women start hating sex when they do not get emotional need fulfilled.

This is can be only resolved if both the parties are willing to make it work and fix for the sake of the happy married life. The marriage counselor would be the best option as it seems that the simple advice which you are going to get here would not resolve your issue as your issue seems deep and needs professional help to tackle it.

However, she will not ready to see the counselor initially unless and until she accepts that there is a problem in your married life and that too especially in sex area. A kid would add the trouble here too because she has to give her all the attention to the kid and you should support her in that so you have to be patience with her so whenever you get a chance to talk to her about the problem in your sex life talk to her in a positive way and show your concerned that you are worried about it but make sure that you do not nag her otherwise she will get defensive.
answered Sep 13, 2017 by alpesh kapdi (25,535 points)
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Dear Arman,

I have faced same situation. I can understand the mental state of both of you. The problem is quite general which happens with most of the couples after childbirth.

There could be many reasons behind the present situation which you need to figure out. Your role and responsibilities are greater than your wife. Since she enjoyed your company before marriage and had active sex life after marriage, so it is evident that she had no issue in sexual libido.Her present denial for sex and such activities may be due to following reasons:

1.Since she had C section delivery and she may not completely have recovered and still having pains and all. Demanding sex at such situation is adding frustration to her. She may be lacking emotional support from you and thinking that her husband don't have care for her and despite being in troubled situation of wife he seeks sex sex and sex.Avoid such demand at least for now.

2.She is feeding the baby. Breastfeeding mothers have secretion of hormones which leads to less sexual desires and libido.This is the natural way of safeguarding next pregnancy as long as she continue feeding the baby. She is under such phase. Cooperate with her and her biological hormonal changes.

3.She is caring for the baby, herself and you. All of sudden she had an extra space devoted for baby. At such time a mother focuses more on baby than anybody else. Its not her fault if she is denying you for sex. Her normal routine had disturbed and aligned as per baby requirement and if she had any free or leisure time then she must wish to relax. Asking for sex at that time must be adding frustration to her. Care more for her in this time.

4.Meet with a lady gynecologist (experienced one). She will find the reason after thyroid related hormones test. May be she had developed Hypothyroidism. In such cases normal life a women drastically change. It hampers badly the women health, sexual health the most.

Hope you got some clarifications.
answered Sep 13, 2017 by whyiloveher2 (420 points)
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Sorry... that some things I many say might hurt you. 99% of love marriages in India, are not about sexual attraction.  Or, to put it clearly, its not about the female being sexually attracted to the male.

There are a lot of other factors that come into play, and women put up with the sexual side, to force a marriage.

Once married, the sexual situation deteriorates rapidly, since the girl never had any sexual attraction for the guy in the first place.

I suggest you have a re-look at your lifestyle and change it, to build more physical attraction.
answered Sep 16, 2017 by blore.guy (445 points)
reshown Sep 17, 2017 by longhands1
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Apart from other answers in these forum, please look from other angle:  psychology.
Read about relationship attachment style. Read the book Attached. You may get some clue.
answered Nov 29, 2017 by lol_lol (155 points)