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My wife wants me to leave her as she doesn"t love me anymore.

asked Dec 18, 2016 in Questions by hm2014 (125 points)
edited Dec 19, 2016 by longhands1

Hi all,

Me and my wife have been married for last 10 years with two children. Since last 4 years our relationship is not good. She had an issue that  I am not taking good care of her. She came in touch with my friend and started sharing our marital problems with him. My friend was also having problems with his wife, so they became close and they started loving each other.

After one year, I came to know about this from her mobile chat. I had a big fight with my wife and I warned her not to meet him again and compromised with her for the sake of my children's future. But after few months due to stress she became mentally ill. I took her to Psychiatrist but she's still not normal as before.

Its almost 2 - 2.5 years she's in same condition. I can't do basic daily work and can't take of our children as well. She many times told me to leave her as she didn't love me anymore and she felt she's burden on me. But i don't want to leave her as I love her and also I can't live without my children.

Though my friend loves her very much, he is not ready to marry her as he has a family too.

Please suggest what to do, as I am in this stressfull condition for last three years.

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commented Dec 20, 2016 by confusioninmind (1,370 points)
A good question finally!
 Sorry for your situation buddy. I'll start by telling you a story of a couple I know. They are my friends. The wife can't get pregnant because she has a severe nervous system trouble. As she is my best friend she tells me her stuff and she for sure will always tell me how she feels she should divorce her husband and lie to him that she has no love for him because she is guilty of spoiling his life and being unable to give him a baby and that if he leaves her, he will be free to marry a woman who can actually give him his progeny. The husband on the other hand is an excellent guy, just like you are one and he doesn't force her for anything and even is contemplating adoption. They both are madly in love with each other. Especially the wife loves him more and the husband is a lovely guy, takes great care of her and despite of it she wants to divorce him. And what is her idea behind that? That she is unable to conceive and has a body trauma and the trouble she thinks she gives her husband.

 Not that any of the above stuff is similar to your situation but read it carefully and read between those lines. Maybe your wife too feels guilty of having an affair and has taken that guilt too much to herself. Maybe this guilt reason she was stressed. And when she says she doesn't love you, there is every chance she is faking it just to avoid being a burden on you as she thinks she is one.

 Agreed that you took her to the psychiatrist. Agreed that you are caring for her but maybe the wounds of that affair are still fresh in her memory. The wound of having cheated you with your friend. That awkward moment when she found out that her lover will never leave his wife and children and the awkwardness of coming back to you as more of a "with what face should I go back to my husband who loved me so much" thing.

 I know what she did to you was terrible and really bad but now think as your wife, maybe her guilt of cheating you became more strong when you decided that this marriage was nothing but a compromise for you and that now it meant nothing to you after the episode. That is when she must have felt scared and that maybe she lost everything in her life and maybe this thought is stressing her out.

 She is your wife buddy. And I agree that what she did to you was wrong but then you will have to forgive her. Until you forgive her and accept her as earlier, I bet you she will never come out of this mess.

 Marlon Brando said something very beautiful in 'The Godfather' and that was, "If you wanna know what the person in front is thinking, think as that person will." Do it. She is your wife. You know her better than anyone. Probably you might just know what she must be thinking right now.

 According to me it is your wife still loves you and it is her guilt of cheating you and realizing that after you treating it as a compromise, she has no place left to go to which is why she's faking it that she doesn't love you. So what I would suggest is first talk it out to her, forgive her, accept her as earlier. I know it would take time but that is the only way out man. That is the only way your wife will get the assurance that you love her and that is the only way she can come back to normal- you accepting her and letting her know that you have forgiven her because women are really tricky. They always need to know that they are being loved and if by some chance they don't, they stress out and panic like hell.

 Take care! God bless you!

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2 Answers

0 like 0 dislike
Sir if she is complaining it, is really your problem. It is your wrongdoing. You did not understand her love language. There are 5 love languages. Read about them. If you really want to save your marriage trust me and read this book. I will message you the link for pdf. First, you read it yourself and bring change in yourself. No matter how old you are it will work for you. Understand your wife and try to do what she think is love is, Try to do what she think affection is. You did not mention about sex but it is obvious that you have stressful sex life also. You also did not mention that if your wife having sex with that friend anyway that is not important, though. Just work on it, if you decide to work on your marriage none can break it.
answered Dec 18, 2016 by robotboy1 (695 points)
commented Dec 19, 2016 by hm2014 (125 points)
Well said robot boy thanks for ur advice
Please send me the pdf of what was talking about
0 like 0 dislike

You are in very unfortunate situation where your wife does not love you and is in love with your friend who loves her very much but does not want to marry her. Since you met a psychiatrist I would say follow his or her instructions. You should also consult a marriage counselor who can make her understand what is best for her.

You took a right decision by not divorcing her for the sake of your children when you caught her but if she does not get improved after more than two years then I doubt that she will get improved in the days to come. I would say try your best and see whether she gets improved or not otherwise you should make her free if it is all she wants as you cannot compel her to be in the unhappy marriage life.

I am sure that would not be an easy thing for you to do but you should understand that one person in not happy in the marriage life and she becomes mentally ill that means she really hates you. There is question of children’s future involved but you should fix it anyhow. I would say it would be a good for children to see a happy single parent rather than unhappy parents who are together for the sake of them.

They might be small to understand such thing but when they grow up they will understand it. I would say take all the steps to mend your married life but if at the end, it would not work out then you should be prepared for the worst for your future and your children’s future. You can think of getting second marriage after leaving her. 

answered Dec 19, 2016 by alpesh kapdi (23,285 points)
commented Dec 19, 2016 by hm2014 (125 points)
Thanks Alpesh for ur reply I'll think about ur suggestion

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