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Trouble in marriage life because of brother in law

asked Feb 23, 2016 in Questions by saub1186 (125 points)
edited Feb 24, 2016 by alpesh kapdi
This question is about my married life which has been suffering because of my in laws interference and Because of my brother in law.

I got married in April 2014 it was an arrange marriage she is 25 and she is from Nagpur and I am 28 from Gwalior. We both come from affluent family and rich family. From starting, she was never told to work she was given a personal maid. Now the problem is she is always on the phone with her mom and don’t want to mix up with my family. Our room is at first floor and far from main house and family being a big home.
However, my concern is her brother who is 1 year younger than she is and they are very close. After 2 months of our marriage, we were on our honeymoon and one night she starts crying and after asking she said she has a past, but I don’t know If I can tell u, I said I am ok with it but at least tell me then she said she will but later. Therefore, after coming back from honeymoon our fights began because of her complaining all the time for all the things and understanding each other was impossible. She uses to be in room all the time. And because of our flight she use to go to her home in every 15 days.

Now our room is quite big as compared to her room in Nagpur. Every time when she goes to Nagpur after our fight we try to talk on phone but after 11 at night she says she cannot talk because my brother is waiting for me to sleep as I cannot sleep in my room alone as I feel scared. But at the same time she can sleep alone in my room when I come home late for any reason and that too till 2 at night. I mean he can obliviously sleep in her room and she can come later but she doesn’t want to listen when I say this. Her brother recently started doing job in multinational in Delhi and when she is in Gwalior she always finds an excuse saying if she can go and stay with her brother as he stays alone and she can help him settle down. She doesn’t know how to cook she can’t do normal household chores then why she want to go and help her brother to settle down.

I gifted her a local mobile no and new phone on our first night and this time our fight is pretty much deep and intense, and she is at her house from 3 months and we have no communication.

While going she left her mobile with me only and started using her old Nagpur no and mobile. She has no technology knowledge or interest and I remember her icloud id and I was getting insecure  so I checked and I found adult messages between them (I know this is wrong on my part), sending picture and selfies of her to his brother in every outfit she tried at home or while shopping, at weddings.
And her brother asking her to buy certain dress or tops as he would like to see her in that dress or top.
I mean this can be normal brother sister relationship but at the same time I am very confused. Our families are trying to sort things out but sometimes I think if I can ask her directly about my confusion. Don’t know. Any suggestions. Sorry for long post.

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4 Answers

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The simple truth is, the two of you shouldn't have been married.

I'm well known for my opposition to arranged marriages, and this is a good example of why. I understand its traditional, and an accepted way of doing things, but your marriage is an example of why it shouldn't be done in the first place. The two of you are completely incompatible, and neither of you sound mature enough to be married.

You won't actually come out and say in your question to us on this forum, but it seems obvious enough to me that you suspect that your wife has been having an incestuous relationship with her brother. You have some circumstantial evidence, through spying on her by looking at her private messages and so on. You also know that she has a guilty secret of some kind. You don't know for certain that this is the case, but I can understand why you have strong suspicions. Anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes looking at our forum will see that there are many incest related questions. Incestuous relationships between brothers and sisters happen all the time, and these things are not isolated occurrences, as society likes to pretend. What we get sent to us on this forum is just the tip of the iceberg!!! Whatever the truth about your wife and her brother may be, this is always going to drive a wedge between the two of you.

The big issue is, your marriage is doomed to failure, because you have started off on the wrong foot, and things went downhill from there!!! Che's thinking of every excuse possible to avoid spending time with you, and seems, to say the least, devoted to her younger brother. Whether this is because of an incestuous relationship, or whether she just finds him the only person she can confide in, we on the forum don't know. Given that she was pushed into marriage, obviously against her will, perhaps she turns to her younger brother because she can at least talk to him. She can't talk to you, as it would be an admission of failure.

It sounds to me like you both come from wealthy families, and have both grown up being waited on hand and foot, as she can't cook or do any of the domestic things a wife would be expected to do, and you don't sound as if you're exactly the domesticated type yourself. Given that you're going out and not coming home until the early hours of the morning. It sounds to me like you've led something of a playboy life, before your marriage, and this spoilt brat behaviour has continued into it.

I think that you need to face the facts that this was a mistake right from the very start. You would be better off agreeing a divorce, and then both of you can get on with your lives. For gods sake, make your own mind up about what you want, don't let other people push you into marrying anyone.

You know, it really doesn't matter about wealth, social standing, personal prestige, or any of that nonsense. People should get married because I have strong emotional feelings for each other feelings that are called love!!! Even this doesn't guarantee a successful marriage, but at least it is more likely to result in something that lasts.

You both need your freedom, so get a divorce, and then get on with your lives.

answered Feb 24, 2016 by sexysalma (14,995 points)
selected Mar 11, 2016 by saub1186
commented Mar 3, 2016 by Shiv 1986 (105 points)
You are right
commented Mar 11, 2016 by saub1186 (125 points)
sorry for late reply

see i also have a sister and maybe i am overthinking because one can really be close with her/his bro sis but there are so many things which distract your mind.

i remember my first night , i never in my mind thought or wanted a virgin because i was also not so after we started intercourse i didn't asked her anything , after 2,3 mins  she is asking me if she can tighten more as it gives more pleasure  . i mean before marriage your saying that you never did sex and after marriage on first night you are loose , you know how to tighten , you know how to give more pleasure.

right now the update is my parents and her parents had a word they will be coming to meet us with her after 10 days as she is with her brother in delhi right now.

lets see
commented Oct 20, 2017 by coolncute (980 points)
We are still in dark regarding the outcome of this situation. Hopefully, you are settled now. If you find sometime, please update AA !
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It sounds that she might have intimate relationship with her own brother and that proves when she says that she wants to be with her brother to help him in setting down and she once admitted that she has a past but she cannot tell you. If she had a boyfriend then I do not think that it would be very difficult for her to reveal it to you since you are okay with her past but here it seems that she has a past, which is morally wrong, and she is not in a position to make you understand.

It indicates that she might have passionate relation with her brother. It is also hard to digest arguments of hers that she cannot sleep alone in her room when she is at her mom’s house but at the same time, she can sleep alone in your big room.

Moreover, her conversation with her brother is not normal and sending her pics in each outfit. It creates disbelief on her intention but since you do not have concrete evidences to prove her wrong you should not confront her directly otherwise, it might put you in tight spot and she will find an excuse to make you guilty for everything.

What you need to do at this time is, let your family settle down things between you both and bring back her home. Since it is an arrange marriage your family can make big impact.

When you talk with her show your willingness to strengthen the relationship and show your affection towards her. Let her realize that you are missing her. If she confessed her past burden then you may think of forgiving her for the sake of married life. However, at the same time make sure that you do not go out of way to please her otherwise; she would seek more attention from you in future.  Remember patience is the key.


answered Feb 24, 2016 by alpesh kapdi (23,885 points)
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It's very strange situation for you but I think that your  wife is not interested in you and she doesn't want you to be with you, she is madly in love with her brother that she can't leave alone without him she think him as life partner not as a brother.
answered Feb 24, 2016 by Rajan07 (690 points)
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Try to get quickly divorce , others wise your life and her life become spoil, more you try to convince her , more she run away from you , so better get very quick divorce
answered Mar 3, 2016 by Shiv 1986 (105 points)

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