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My Lover is set to be engaged with her relative. I love her. What to do?

asked Dec 9, 2015 in Questions by vishva8 (120 points)
edited Dec 10, 2015 by longhands1

Dear fellow AA users.

Me and my lover have been in love for the past 5 years. We belong to different religions. She was studying in the 11th standard and I was in 2nd year of my college when we fell in love. We started to love each other only through phone. We hardly met as our homes are 400 kms away. We met only 25 to 30 days in these 5 years.

First 3 yrs went well and good. We used to talk for hours and share everything. Even we had intercourse when we met. Later on we were not able to meet or speak as much as her family got some doubt and they started watching her. (she told me that and I believed her). However she managed to message me atleast once a day. At that time, I used have an inner feeling that she's cheating on me. But I believed her as I believe in my love.

Even in November'14 we had intercourse, and our last meet was In Jan'15. After that she used to speak through phone rarely. She got engaged with a boy who was her relative. Her family made this engagement in Sep'15, but she dis not tell me anything about this engagement. She was talking to me normally as a lover till 25th of November'15. I came to know about her engagement through FB account (that she hidden from me). She was using another phone number and another FB account for past one year. I had some doubts, but I believed her as I loved her.

After I came to know about her engagement, she is telling me that, she didn't love me for past 2 years, she didnt like me, she had sex with someone before me when she studied in 9th standard. She was wandering with other guys when we were in love and those guys kissed her on the lips and even touched her breasts. I just cannot believe those things. I don't know whether she is just telling me all this just to avoid me. Whatever it is, whether she had sex with someone, wandered with other guys, my heart still needs her.

It was my dream from my age 15 to have a love marriage and the girl should be a virgin and she shouldn't be in love with any other guy. Now everything is broken. In the past 5 years, I have built up a big fort for her in my heart. I used to fantasize that I'm living with her. My entire family of 40 members know that I'm in love with a girl from another religion and even I have convinced my parents to accept her.

Now I can't even imagine that some one else is going to be her husband. And I cannot see some other girl with me in the place of my lover. Even I have named our future babies after discussed with her. Now everything is lost. Only after discussing with her, I have started my business just few months back and planned to marry her in 2017. Now I am not able to do anything other than thinking of her and thinking of my life. I just cannot bear that feeling that she is going to marry someone else.

What should I do?

I asked her to spend one day with her before marriage and she accepted my invitation. As for now, I planned to convince her on that one day. If she accepts I will marry her. If not, what should I do?

Whatever it is, I would feel happy, if I will be in contact with her till my last breath. But I don't think that is possible. If I will be in contact with her, her husband may came to know about our relationship and there may be some problem for her. I cannot allow that too. I just want her to lead a happy and peaceful life. She is asking me, "if my future husband leaves me, will you accept me". I said yes.

Don't know what I have to do. I am not able to understand her mind set.

Hope you guys understand my feelings. Need your advice.

Please help me to get out of this.


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3 Answers

1 like 0 dislike
I know the feeling of broken heart and how much it hurts when one is totally involved with dear one and dear one broke the heart. Few bitter things you have to accept here are, she cheated on you, never meant to be yours, played with your emotion, take you for granted and used you for her personal reasons.

I do not think that she was under pressure by her parents for this engagement if it was then she could have informed you as you had been with her for the 5 years. She kept you in dark and the moment you came to know about her engagement she stared to show you her other side which was completely astonish for you.

Since she has engaged with someone else, you are left with no option than to move on and forget her. I know it is not an easy for you to overlook her as you are emotionally dependant on her but it is only practical and viable solution. You also need to understand that now it is useless to cry over split milk so drop the idea of convincing her when you meet her before marriage and you should avoid this meeting too.

What you need to do is, focus on your business and try to move on. All the contacts should be cut off and even if she contacts you do not talk to her and cut off all means of contacts with her without explanation, as she does not deserve justification. It will take time for you to come out of this disturbance but you will if you put your effort to move on. Accept the reality and move on, initially you will feel pain but on long run, you will be happy. Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.

Best of luck
answered Dec 10, 2015 by alpesh kapdi (23,285 points)
commented Dec 10, 2015 by vishva8 (120 points)
Thank-you very much for advice.
But how will I be able to get her out of my mind. Whatever actions I do and whatever I see, it reminds me of her. For example: While brushing my teeth, she doesn't like the sound of gargling. So when ever I brush my teeth, she's coming in to my head.

There are N number of actions like this which makes me to remember her.
Some of my friends and relatives are insisting me to love another girl to forget her. But i don't know, how I will be able to love another girl.
commented Dec 10, 2015 by alpesh kapdi (23,285 points)
You have to do nothing to forget as forgetting is an automatic process. It will take time for you to forget her just make sure that your are not putting pressure on yourself to forget because more you try more it worsen, let the time pass and time will take care of it. I was in same situation when I broke up with my girlfriend of five years on silly reason. I was not able to forget her but when I accept the fact that it’s over things have started falling in order again so accept that its over. However, I am not able to forget her completely and I still remember her everyday like the one you do but it would not affect my routine so far thus, I am fine with it.
0 like 0 dislike
From the story you have narrated here , it seems you are just a time pass and sex object for her , she was using you only , so you also have to think practically and just fuck her the max you can and till you are not getting the other option , just be with her either she get married or have a baby have fun where ever and whenever possible.
answered Dec 10, 2015 by Jhonsm (1,200 points)
0 like 0 dislike

          I can understand your feel, and many passed through this sweet pain even i am one of them.
Bro, frankly distance relations won't work out bro, it works only when both are in same temper and in same kind of attitude that both are ready to die if they are not gng to marry. I feel that is love not someone move ass when something wont workout.

secondly i am not giving suggestion it is a question from my side, you think of yourself. Bro you said your heart still needs eventhough she is messed with many.. what is the case after marriage, you found someone having your wife infront of you?

I really hope you are lucky bro. take it as a lesson. i know pain will be there but i can guarantee you as time passes memory fades away dude. hope you will recover soon.
answered Dec 11, 2015 by konchamchilipiga (145 points)

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