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Should I reveal all this to my husband?

asked Sep 10, 2015 in Questions by radhika5.5 (140 points)
edited Sep 12, 2015 by longhands1

I am a married female. I have 2 children. One daughter who is 5 years old and one son who is 4 months old. Since last 3 years, I am friendly with a boy and have sex with him. My son was born from this man and not from my husband. Neither my boy friend nor my husband knows about this.

Since my son was born, I am in great stress. I have begun hating myself, my son and my boyfriend. I know that I have cheated my husband and I feel guilty about this. Sometimes I think I should commit suicide.  

Please Anjali and friends, advise what I should do. Should I tell my husband everything or should I keep quiet. I am suffering mentally.


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commented Sep 11, 2015 by radhika5.5 (140 points)

Plzzz koi meri problm solve kr do


(As explained to you in PM, we do not allow questions and answers in Hindi. I have translated your Hindi question into English.) Please be patient).

commented Sep 11, 2015 by SunnyV (515 points)
How old is the boy...I mean your boyfriend ?
commented Sep 13, 2015 by SunnyV (515 points)
Hii...kisine problem solve kardi kya ?!! :)

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9 Answers

2 like 0 dislike
hello radhika,

1. You should not remain in contact with the BF, and sever all contacts. being in touch with him will make u further guilty.
2. You have not mentioned the age of so called "boy" i presume he must be some kid in teens then, he wouldnt understand gravity of your emotions and hence remaining in touch with him will only mean physical contact and nothing else. In anycase he cant do much about whatever has happened.
3. You must have started venturing into this for some reason, try to see if that reason/s are gone? try to address your primary cause and once and for all get over it.
4. You maybe going through emotions also because you are in post partum stage, and ordinarily depression may occur but since yours is special circumstance you will tend to be further depressed. Without going into morality of it i would say a child was born out of it and he is not at fault so there is no point hating him,
5.So far as telling your husband is concerned, lemme ask you one thing if positions were reversed and your hubby was to have a baby with some woman and he was to tell you would you be willing to accept?? i Presume the answer would be a no so i suggest keep this to yourself and try taking some psycological (not psychiatric) help, which maybe in form of talking to some1 matured, or professional help.
6. Please for whatever reason you had done this, dont again venture into this ever again, no matter how much forward the society gets forward having an extra marital affair is unacceptable in any society, and especially in indian society you will have to face terrible consequences simply because ours society is harsher to women whether we like it or not its a fact.
7. Try to get over your hatred yourself since you have responsibilty of not only yourself but kids as well. your health is important.
answered Sep 11, 2015 by raka2077 (125 points)
2 like 0 dislike
Dear Radhika ,

What ever sin has happen that cannot be undo now ,  However now you have realize your mistake is a great thing.

 I feel at present situation you have to be relax and take care of your Son .  

Flush out the memories of your boyfriend and close his chapter permanently,  Regarding your son ,  It belongs to you and your husband , so don't put stress thinking otherwise.

Talk clearly to your boyfriend and make it break.  and carry on with your husband .

It is a normal mistake , you have not murdered anybody,  so  take a deep breadth and start a fresh ,  there are many things to do in the LIFE .

In present scenario , don't tell anything to your husband , In future if needed then only you can share with him .


all the best
answered Sep 11, 2015 by kapilh (1,025 points)
2 like 0 dislike
Hello Radhika,

I'm sure you do feel guilty, but suicide isn't the answer is it!!!

You have to learn to live with the things that you do in life, and sometimes those things are bad. Ask yourself who you will hurt the most by either telling your husband or killing yourself? Your husband doesn't know anything, and I presume that he just thinks that you're a loving wife. If your son senses any hostility towards him, 4 months of age, it would barely register. You shouldn't hike your child, it's not his fault. I assume that your husband loves you his son, because make no mistake, while biologically he may be someone else's, he will grow up in a family with a daddy who loves him, unless you do something stupid to salve your own conscience. I can imagine that your husband looks upon his son with pride and satisfaction, because I know how important male children are within Indian culture. Think for a moment what it would do to him to learn that the child is not his. Think what it would do to the child. If you tell anybody, you will destroy your family, you will destroy yourself, and everybody around you will suffer. If you kill yourself, the outcome will be the same. Everybody will be hurt, except you, because you will be beyond pain. Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness unless it is self-sacrifice to save others. You do not come into the 2nd category, you would be committing an even worse act of betrayal by killing yourself.

If I sound unsympathetic, I don't mean to. You have to learn to accept that we all make mistakes in life, it's what we do about them that matters. If you value your marriage and your family, you will stop seeing this guy. You know that sooner or later, if you continued, you will get caught, and once again, devastation will be the result. So you have to stop seeing this guy, And for gods sake don't tell him that he is the father of your 4 month old boy. That would give him some kind of hold on you, and you really don't want, believe me, you really don't.

You have 2 come to terms with what you have done, and learn to accept that you can't change anything you have done already, but you can change your happens in the future. But before anything else, you have to understand that until you forgive yourself, you won't have any peace of mind. In truth, everybody makes mistakes, and 99 times out of a hundred, and mistakes don't come back to haunt us. Your mistake created a child who needs your love and attention, and a strong family to grow up and be happy. If you can forgive yourself, there is really all you need to do. No one else is aware of what you've been doing, apart from this boy, and if he's got any sense in his head, he will stay well clear once you tell him that it's over with. You have to be strong, as he won't want to give up having sex with you, he's got something good going on, which is no strings sex. He will soon move on to somebody else, once he knows that there is no welcome between your legs. I don't know whether your marriage was arranged, or whether it was a last match, if it was arranged, and are not totally surprised if you had an affair. This is one of those issues that people know me for. I'm against a range marriages because it puts 2 people together who perhaps shouldn't be, with sometimes disastrous consequences. If you've ever had any love for your husband, try to think what it was that made you love him, and focus on that. A lot of women have affairs because their husbands either neglect them, all would never that or in bed in the 1st place. If that's the case, then it's up to you to enliven the sex between the 2 of you. If your husband was satisfying you in the 1st place, you probably wouldn't have got involved with somebody else. In no way is this a justification, but I can understand the lack of sexual fulfilment can push a woman into someone else's arms.

So, I'll say it again, forgive yourself!!! Once you can do that, life will be a lot easier for you.

The very best of luck to you, and remember, ditch the boyfriend, now!!!

answered Sep 11, 2015 by sexysalma (14,995 points)
commented Sep 11, 2015 by radhika5.5 (140 points)
moved Sep 11, 2015 by prashant69
Thanks for valuable suggestions
commented Sep 11, 2015 by prashant69 (7,010 points)

Radhika, A questioner can not ANSWER  own question. However your feedback is very important to us.You can' comment' only on this particular question. Do it. Its your previlege. 

commented Sep 11, 2015 by SunnyV (515 points)
I am surprised Salma, that you weren't bolder in your marriage and asked the wife to walk out of her unhappy marriage ! What if it is lifelong misery that awaits her with her  husband...!
commented Sep 14, 2015 by sexysalma (14,995 points)
Divorce is always an option, but in this case, I think she should try to forgive herself before she does anything else.

It may well be in the fullness of time that she decides divorce is what she really wants. But it should be her choice, rather than something that is forced upon her by circumstances. In a situation where nobody knows what she has done, the only person that she has to consider is herself. If she can't reconcile herself to the fact that what's done is done, and nothing is going to change the past, then she will have a problem facing a future. Under these circumstances, divorce would be just the logical conclusion of confession. The end result would still be the same, her family destroyed, her children living a life of divided loyalties between their mummy and their daddy, with mommy being painted as the evil harlot by the daddy. Yes he can do that, if he wanted the moral high ground, but everybody would be damaged. It is far better for her to learn to forgive herself and accept the past; keeping it hidden, and getting on with life.

Thoughts of suicide should be cast away. Radhika, you have 2 children to think about, to look after, to devote your love and attention to, and you can't do that from your grave, and you can't do that unless you learn to accept that you are just a frail human, capable of making mistakes, just like everybody else.

Take care,

0 like 0 dislike
Dear Radhika,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I can understand your pain and aggravation. Though i don't want to jump to a conclusion, or judge, or start a blame on with the boy or you for that matter. Frankly, no one on Ask Anjali can blame or judge anyone. Which is one of the best things about this place, one can hope to get a solution for one's problems without the fear of being judged or blamed.

However, there are quite a few gaps in the story here. Firstly, who is this boy? How did you meet him? What's his age? What does he do? If he is too young, how did you end up getting into an affair with him? Did you both feel love at any point of your affair?

The questions might not be necessary for someone to give a comforting advice saying "Don't hate the child. Don't commit suicide." But they are necessary for piecing together the chain of events that had blown up naive mistakes into preposterous sizes. I am not being critical or apathetic when i ask questions. I ask them because maybe those questions can help you introspect how all this had happened.

And the child? The child has no part in this sin. And, why should he be hated? If the boy (I hope he is a man. A responsible man.) is mature enough to have sex, then he must understand the need for protected sex especially when having an affair with someone who is married. If he is so immature or irresponsible, then it does make sense to not tell him that he is the father of the 4 month old baby. You are right, you cannot tell either your husband or the boy about who fathered your second child. This would make things worse. Husbands, can rarely come in terms with the news that their loving wife has slept with another man and that their child whom they love so much was born out of wedlock. You cannot comprehend the rage it sparks in a man's mind and it can ruin the future of the 4 month old. More worse is that he could start doubting you with the first child too. He could start disowning both the children and you too altogether. Which would be completely unfair for everyone.

No one can be blamed. A mistake has happened and nothing much can be done now except to move on from the mistake. I tell you with a heavy heart that Suicide is not an option for you. Because if you commit a suicide, there will be 2 children left without a mother and sooner or later police/relatives are going to find out why you committed suicide (that you succumbed to your guilt of having an affair with someone other than your husband and mothered a child.) This will ruin things for both your family and your in-laws. The two children can eventually be disowned by your husband as well if he feels he cannot cover for your mistakes.

So just think about your children. I really wish that you wouldn't hate your son because he is after all your blood and flesh. His conscience is clean and he need not know how he was born. In today's world, many mistakes happen. But we cannot correct them or go back and change them. It is better to leave out mistakes and move on. You can stop seeing your boyfriend and tell him to get another girlfriend or get married. Losing him will ease your burden a great deal. And i hope that he understands. He has his own life, you have your own. So it's time to move on. But 3 years is a long time. I suspect that love was involved. Either way, you should move on and only moving on can give all of you a better future.

You can gradually start loving your son after things settle and groom him to be a good, able and successful person. He is a white paper, his conscience is clean. I hope that my answer had helped. Though it is all chaos, I think we can shrink it to a few strong lines: Suicide is not an option. Break-up with your boyfriend. Keep the reality about the child'd biological father a personal secret. Take time and start loving your family.

Put in the efforts and you will eventually start seeing the change. I wish you all the best, Radhika.
answered Sep 11, 2015 by sunnybunny (475 points)
0 like 0 dislike
I'm gonna separate myself from moral values while answering.

You having sex with this boy means your hubby is lacking something. The child you have got is being raised by you and your hubby... So practically he's his father. Biological father doesn't matter, it's what your hubby imparts in your child will matter.

Don't complicate. Do keep enjoying and satisfy yourself every time. Don't worry about all this.

answered Sep 11, 2015 by Coolest_beer (125 points)
edited Sep 12, 2015 by prashant69
2 like 1 dislike
I pity your husband really. Having an affair was a mistake (though its a crime) but it results in an illegitimate child!! And what if he doubts and finds out later? You deserve the guilt and your husband desrves a better woman.
answered Sep 12, 2015 by gaur689 (110 points)
2 like 0 dislike
All the replies seem to be on the premise that your husband is not broadminded and on the surmise that things would go wrong for you if you told the truth. Maybe, they are right to a certain extent and the conventional wisdom  would suggest so. But only you know about the character and personality of your husband. Perhaps, he is a worldly wise,cosmopolitan man who would take your shenanigans and affair in his stride. As seen from some of the queries of this forum itself, some men do harbour "cuckold" mindset and would love to see their wives get fucked by other men.

Who knows...maybe it is true of even your husband ? Maybe, he would ask you to continue with your affair and enjoy a menage a'trois ! So, good luck ! *wink*
answered Sep 12, 2015 by SunnyV (515 points)
0 like 0 dislike
First of all, a woman is strong enough to take responsibility of her actions.
A woman is also strong enough to give father's love & mother's love to a child.
What you are committing is called paternity fraud against your husband. If you really love him do not commit a life long fraud against him. That is highest form of betrayal.
Tell your husband. Let him choose whether he wants to love your son like a father. Once he makes that choice, then definitely, he must stand by it for life. But he must have other option too to disconnect from the child that is not his.
As I said, you are strong enough to love & care for a child like a father too. You don't have to commit suicide , just believe in your abilities.
If you are thinking of suicide due to society, just request your hubby to keep this secret to himself. If you come clean to him , he will be good enough to heed to your request of secrecy.(whether he accepts or rejects you for your mistake.)
answered Sep 13, 2015 by ashokdipakjha (105 points)
0 like 0 dislike

dnt b so stupid lev about the past and tc of u r husband and child and earn money well in a good way  and b happy

answered Feb 29, 2016 by sanjayservice (285 points)

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