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How to live with my wife who is cold and unresponsive?

asked Jun 14, 2015 in Questions by lol_lol (155 points)
edited Jun 15, 2015 by longhands1

This is purely a marital problem. We are married for 10 years and have 2 kids. Ours was an arranged marriage. Before the wedding day I used to hear sugar coated words. After the day of marriage she began to pour cold water. I realized all these after a year of marriage. She always finds some negative things or create some negative character out of me and tries to dominate but I never allowed her to dominate. This is the source of friction. Looks like she was longing for a marriage with a rich guy but ended in a middle class marriage. This has caused frustration for her over me and her dad. She always compares life with friends. If that woman in her friends' family is a house wife and has an attractive house, my wife puts me down in every way. My mother-in-law adds fuel to the problem.

I thought she had attachment style disorder. Tried marriage counseling, psychiatric treatment, mediation with family elders but fruitless. My wife always likes to live in her parents house. We had good sex in first two months then sex became an affair of kids producing event. I fought and warned her of divorce and sexual life improved marginally but not satisfactorily. She does not like spending even 10 minutes in a day citing busy schedule. She used to sleep 15 hours a day before kids were born and now she works in office/home for 15 hours non-stop. All she does is avoiding me and of late she has a grudge on her father because he is not a rich man and because of that she got married to me and ended up working and earning to her dismay.

I tried to walk away but thoughts of kids is preventing me from doing so.

I doubt her that she had a love affair before marriage which did not work in her favor. My wife could not not accept me but could not stop imagining rich life style that I could not afford. Assuming my wife had a love affair before my marriage I tried to find a solution by talking to her parents and I got cold response. Looks like whole family might be knowing this and I am the last one to know or assume this. The love affair I am talking is completely my assumption based on her attitude and behavior. I am being made a scape goat for her disappointments and her family is backing her.

I am in an emotional conundrum. I don't want to live with her and I don't want to leave my kids either. Any solution for this dead end.
I thank you all in advance for spending time to read and giving me a solution. I truly appreciate it.


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3 Answers

0 like 0 dislike
After having tried everything if your married life is no where close to improving, I suggest you to do the same what she does with you!

Considering the present scenario where inflation is another part of our lives, I understand how hard it is to earn money and live a good lifestyle. I see my parents slog to provide me a luxurious lifestyle. You try and explain this to her that money doesn't grow on a tree. The lifestyle she aspires to live requires lots of hard work. Then it doesn't matter whether you start from scratch or you have a multi-national business set up for you, you have to work hard in either of the cases.

I think here there is lack of communication between you two. Have you ever sat down besides her and explained her politely? I guess you might have done so and even if you have just do it again! And tell her that if you earn together, you will definitely be rich!

Regarding her past, I'm afraid you can't change that, so what has happened has happened, don't you bother!

I see something here, if she is cold with you, she definitely must be having an EMA going on! I suggest you to speak to her once and then if still the response is negative, you too head for an EMA. But don't think of divorce till your kids grow up because in your tensions and stretches, they would be the ones who would lose.

It may even be that your wife is simply an asexual! Have you got her sexual verification done by a sex expert? If not get it done! Chances are quite high!

Take care! God bless you!
answered Jun 14, 2015 by confusioninmind (1,405 points)
commented Jun 14, 2015 by poonam (115 points)
go to long breath ......................................................................................................................................
commented Jun 14, 2015 by lol_lol (155 points)

Dear confusionmind(not sure how to address)
  I tried talking politely but she says I am advising which she hates.
 I just want to know the term EMA. I want to explore that too.

I took her to a renowned sexologist, and doctor told that it is completely related to martial and psychological issue.

She might be asexual  too as you told. I will explore that also. Is this called fate?

Symptoms for attachment style disorder perfectly matches. I am a rationalist(as per the result of questionnaire) and my wife has avoidant attachment style. As per the theory this is the worst combination. Perfect match is same personalities living together and ours is the deadliest combination. Avoidant attachment style is the toughest nut to crack as per the science. Now I am trying to believe in fate.
It is not that we always fight but found a common ground that we don't overstep which is very abnormal for a family environment.

I did not have any kind of vivid memories of fun during the honeymoon period. All I remember is, she was sleeping.

Only thing I could not forgive is, how can my wife hold me responsible for her families' shortcoming. I live only once, but just because of her disappointment and so called Indian tradition why should I put up with a non-sense. I agree with you that kids' life will be spoiled, if I react emotionally. Altogether I lost my life. I am not a perfect man. I don't drink, smoke and never imagined any other girl in my life. I am not a saint but an average Joe with all desires but controlled my desires for the so called puritanical and holy institution of marriage. I think I am a theoretical stupid. I should have done all those things for the sake of accepting her mistakes and for also venting my emotional pressure.
 We live in Americas. I am an IT professional earning decently.
I will stop at this point.
Thanks for your time and appreciate it.


(lol...Since you have asked the question, you can reply only as Comments and not as Answers. Thanks.)

commented Jun 15, 2015 by confusioninmind (1,405 points)
See, I can't speak about fate but certain things are just ment to be! Well, EMA is an abbreviation for extra-marital affair! You are a good man, not that your wife is bad but is a psychopath. The problem here is that you both appear to be head strong personalities! You both won't give up if needed! That is the main reason for clashes between you two! Your wife tempts to live like riches! Nothing bad! But to be rich you require lots of hard work which she should be ready to do but doesn't do! Psychologically speaking, don't hold yourself guilty for anything! Its her problem that she doesn't like you even after you having tried everything!

I doubt she is having an affair somewhere that is the reason she is not showing any interest in you! Confront her on this and get your answer! If she is having an affair, you tell her that you too would head for one! Or it simply might be that she is an asexual! Get it verified from a sex expert!

Take care! God bless you!
1 like 0 dislike
I believe in set phrase of it is useless to cry over split milk hence stop trying to make out her past affair as it is not significance at this stage of your married life because it will make your problem exacerbate.

I think you be required to talk to her parents in clear manner that she is expecting much from you and ask them to get involved as it seems that her parents has influence on her. Tell her parents that you would rather ready for divorce than to live with such miserable life but thoughts of kids are stopping you.

Your wife has to accept the life, which you are offering being a middle class man so discuss with her your frustration and seek a solution together.

Listen her grievances and try to sort it out as much as you can.  Saw your willingness to strengthen the married life and ask the same from her. Made your mind clear and act on it without being pressurized emotionally or anything for the better life of your kids as well as for your family.
answered Jun 15, 2015 by alpesh kapdi (23,885 points)
1 like 0 dislike
Regular readers are very familiar with my antipathy towards arranged marriages. I'm sorry to say, but your marriage is an example of why I am so hostile towards the whole concept of arranged marriage. I know that love matches don't always work out either, but if a couple starts by loving each other, at least the foundation starts on the right footing.

I can imagine that your wife is from a fairly modest background, but had dreams of marrying a wealthy man, and living a life of luxury. Perhaps this is the price of agreeing to an arranged marriage, rather than finding someone with whom she could fall in love. It's not unreasonable to imagine that she had a previous relationship, and perhaps he was better off financially than her family. Under such circumstances, I can imagine further that his family would scorn any marriage proposal, because of this class/caste nonsense? I know these are a lot of suppositions, but if it's anything close to the truth, you can understand why she might feel bitter and disappointed with life.

Even if my suppositions are correct, this doesn't help you in your situation, so let's look at your best options.

It sounds like you've tried the sort of things I would have suggested, starting out by talking with her, talking with her family, marriage guidance, and so on. It occurs to me that you are dissatisfied with your sex life, but how about her? Men pay so much attention to their own needs, sometimes they don't even think about the needs of their partner. Girls love sex just as much as guys, and as the old saying goes: good sex won't hold a marriage together, but bad sex would definitely break it apart. Do you even know what she likes in bed? This is an honest question, and not intended to make you out to be the bad guy, but it's worth considering that an awful lot of things can be laid at the door of disappointing sex.

Something else you may need to consider, if you take a confrontational way of dealing with problems, sometimes, all you do is pack her into a corner, and she may be like a cornered wildcat, all flying fur, teeth and claws. It's always better to try stroking a cat than to hurt it. I don't know, maybe you've tried the conciliatory route, but if you haven't, it would be a good idea to give it a chance.

Sometimes, you may have to swallow a bitter pill in order to cure the disease. If all else fails, divorce is what's left. This is where you really need to think about the children, because, while it may hurt to walk away, it may be the best solution for all concerned. Your children, if they're like most kids, probably hate to see mummy and daddy fight or be miserable and unhappy with each other all the time. Sometimes, it's better if the 2 warring parents split up, as it takes the pressure away, resulting in a much happier children. If you do divorce, you have to make sure that you both have fair access to the children. If it goes to this extent, you must sit down with them, and explain that mummy and daddy don't love each other any more, but they still both love the children very much, and they want to stop fighting each other. If the children think that they are a cause for the divorce, it will leave them scarred mentally but if you and your wife explain that you're not getting along but it's nothing to do with them, they are likely to survive and understand. You may find you get on better with your wife if you're divorced, as you can at least be on friendly terms while both of you get on with your lives.

I'm not sure how much any of this has helped you, but I'm trying to look at this with a balanced viewpoint. The thing is, recriminations and accusations don't really solve anything, they just entrench the attitudes of  those involved, and make it much more difficult to sort things out. When I say sorting out, that can include reconciliation, or divorce. The one thing you can't do is to let this thing drag on, ad infinitum.

Whatever happens, I wish you luck and best wishes,

answered Jun 15, 2015 by sexysalma (14,995 points)
commented Jun 16, 2015 by lol_lol (155 points)
edited Jun 16, 2015 by prashant69
Thank you, confusioninmind, Alpesh, Salma.

EMA can be a revenge tool but my guilt will kill me even though I not ruling out.
I am not worried over her past life, as it is just my imagination which may or may not be true. Truly I will be happy if she leaves me and chooses a right man. I can't leave my kids and wife also loves our kids. So it is an impasse.

Sad truth is she doesn't want to leave me. She also told the psychiatrist 9 years ago that she likes me inspite of her unfulfilled dreams and frustrations on her part. When we fight she is the one who makes the first move to cool me down.

Talking about sex, that is a huge disappointment for both of us. I have very high sex drive. Sex is bitter pill for her. Till date she is the one who decides when to have sex. After the years of wrangling and ferocious reaction from me she set a timetable for sex. We can have sex only on Saturday afternoon before taking shower that too for 10 minutes. Sometimes it goes for 30 mins with lot of ifs and buts. I don't have a choice but very frustrated.  At an average I get sex once in a month which is better than once a year.

I feel like a paid sex. She has sex with me out of fear of divorce. It is not out of love. To the outside world she want to show a structured  family and inside the home she manages me giving minimum level of service so that family does not break. I bought the book 'The book of love by Dr.Laura Berman', because my wife feels that I am advising too much, which to a certain extent true, and asked her to read so that she can understand by reading the book. Sad part is she does not like reading books and that's her answer and is also true. Still she read but could not implement.

Thank you, all.
commented Jun 16, 2015 by prashant69 (7,040 points)

lol_lol, You can only 'comment' on your question!

commented Jun 16, 2015 by ThunderR (540 points)

Even I am against arranged marriage. And I feel that even in love marriage, the couple should live together in a live-in-relationship for one to one and half years. If they are compatible financially, emotionally and sexually, then only they should marry.

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