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My wife is a virgin after one year of marriage. How to change this ?

asked Feb 20, 2015 in Questions by jim.felix (145 points)
edited Feb 20, 2015 by longhands1

First of all I would like to commend Anjali and her team on the work they are doing here. I feel that by answering these personal questions you guys are more than just helping people but actually supporting them in strengthening their relationships.

So coming back to my dilemma, I have been married now for more than an year but me and my wife are still virgins. I know it may come as a shock but its equally hard for me to swallow this bitter truth. We had a love marriage after 3 years of relationship. In those 3 years we never really tried to have penetrative sex and saved it as a post marriage affair. We got married and tried and tried and tried but could never succeed in penetrative sex.

The thing is that her hymen is still intact and I have no clue whatsoever how to break it. It actually pains her a lot when I touch her vagina with my penis and however interested I am to have sex, I have to withdraw. We have tried lots of foreplay(actually our whole sex life is just a foreplay as of now) and lubricants but neither of them worked. We kiss and I fondle her breasts, she plays with my penis, we only rub our genitals against the other and she shags me. THAT'S IT. The whole act is over. It is not like she is not wet, she is wet like hell and I have a good and a strong erection. It is now very frustrating for both of us now but we don't know what to do.

She comes from an orthodox background so sex (or talking about sex) was a bit of a taboo. She was herself as I think she was not interested in talking about sex and I guess this is hampering her. She is also low on getting hot and horny that makes her a bit cold to sex. I don't want to hurt her in the process (actually there was this one time when I was trying and she broke into tears). So is there a way to lose our virginity without hurting her?

Additional Information - She hesitates in giving me a head but on insisting she gives it. Whenever she is wet there is a pungent smell which comes from her lady parts that really gives me a "de-erection".

Team can you help us?


PS : If Anjali could take out time and answer in an Audio it would be great.


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4 Answers

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Best answer


Thank you for the compliments you have paid this Site. Users who provide advice do not do it for any monetary gain but just for the love of sharing their sex knowledge. I too am grateful to all our Users who give their time selflessly for this cause.

Well now, the good news is that yours is not a unique situation and you are not the only couple who are having difficulty in consummating the marriage. The bad news is that you have waited for a year to seek advice. Yours is a medical problem and why should you hesitate in seeing a gynaecologist. She will in all probability examine your wife and suggest remedies. Your profile says that you are a software engineer so I presume you are well read.  

Surgery can help to artificially, rupture the hymen. The elasticity and flexibility of hymen varies from one woman to another. In some cases it may be too stiff to rupture and some cases it may be too lax to rupture. The gynaecologist or surgeon can rupture the hymen. It is a simple procedure called hymenotomy, which is making small cuts in the hymen to widen it. Local anaesthesia would be used and 15 days required for the healing of the wound, after which sex and intercourse will be painless and enjoyable.

A woman may perceive pain during intercourse even without any physical cause. Sexual pain without an apparent physical cause may have psychological origins. The problem with pain is that if she fears pain it will be at the back of her mind and any sexual act will result in perceived pain to her labia, vagina or pelvic areas.   

I have also noted that you are not able to both speak freely about sex. You will have to take the initiative and talk about sex. The pain can be reduced by following measures:
1. Applying lubricating gels to the outer sexual organs.
2. Sex toys, such as vibrators or dildos may also be useful.
3. Talk with your doctor about the use of vaginal dilator.

Be as supportive as you can for your wife. It's difficult for her and she may feel as if she is "broken" or unfit in some way which is just not the case.

I sincerely hope things go well for you and wish you both all the best.

answered Feb 20, 2015 by longhands1 (78,290 points)
selected Mar 1, 2015 by jim.felix
commented Feb 23, 2015 by jim.felix (145 points)
Thank You longhands for such a detailed, informative and a quick reply but can you suggest something such as a home remedy for my problem? I don't know why we are a bit hesitant about talking to a doctor about our situation. Especially i don't want people to judge me about our situation having said that i had a chat with my wife earlier about going to a gyno but she was also hesitant.

So any advice which does not involve a doctor will be a boon for us.

commented Feb 23, 2015 by longhands1 (78,290 points)


I understand your and your wife's feelings about seeing the doctor and the perceived embarrassment that you feel it will cause you. 

Frankly, it does not seem that you are able to talk to your wife freely about sexual issues. You need to get her to talk about issues in her childhood which is causing the fear of pain. Pain can either be mental or physical. If it is a mental related pain, then you want to find out what it is. If it is physical, home remedies will not help and the doctor will be in a better position to guide you.

Does your wife use tampons during her periods? This may help in getting rid of the pain sensation over a period of time.

You can see a doctor who is not known to you. Doctors see many such patients and it is their job to help. He may also advise different sex positions to overcome the pain or suggest some ointment to be applied externally to redue the pain.

All the Best.

commented Mar 1, 2015 by jim.felix (145 points)
Dear Long Hands,

Thank you again for answering, i guess we should really go to a doctor and see how it goes after that. I know her since very long and absolutely and unequivocally sure that she doesn't have any childhood or mental issue. She doesn't use a tampon.

Now i guess all i have to do is uncloak myself and go to a doctor.

Thank You really for encouraging me to go to a doctor.

commented Mar 8, 2015 by longhands1 (78,290 points)

Thanks Jim, for appreciating my Answer. It really does feel good.

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Dear User,

My  suggestion would be, use some of Sex toys of  moderate size and try to loosen  her vagina first.  This way you have the control of easy penetration. With time  as  her vagina looses you need to increase the thickness of toys and try the same again. Make sure to use lot of  lubricant at each time.

You can use some vegetable with condom on it like "Brinjal", "egg plant".

Good luck.
answered Feb 20, 2015 by vipul0527 (985 points)
edited Feb 20, 2015 by prashant69
commented Feb 23, 2015 by jim.felix (145 points)
Thank You for taking out time to reply to my question i sincerely appreciate it.

0 like 0 dislike
Never worry my friend its after all your wife past one year if you get hurt obviously its her problem too speak out to her take her to a specialisy .long live u will lead a happy life
answered Feb 20, 2015 by rnath (125 points)
commented Feb 23, 2015 by jim.felix (145 points)
Thank You for taking out time to reply to my question i sincerely appreciate it.

1 like 0 dislike
One year is really a long time to start physical relationship thus; I strongly believe that your wife’s problem would not go away by simple advice or suggestions. To understand root cause of her problem you should take her to sexologist or psychiatrist, as they are highly qualified to handle such kind of problems.

If she is reluctance to come up with you then you should go alone and consult psychiatrist. Do not nag her for not obliging you to start sexual relation. I assume that you have tried all, which need to try before going to specialist so without wasting further time consult doctor and follow his or her instructions. Remember patience is the key.
answered Feb 21, 2015 by alpesh kapdi (23,295 points)
commented Feb 23, 2015 by jim.felix (145 points)
Thanks for answering my question Mr Aplesh but aren't you contradicting yourself when you say "One year is really a long time to start physical relationship" and "Remember patience is the key" together. I feel that i have been overwhelmingly patient in this thing.

I guess i would have to muster up and go to a doc to talk more about it but i can seriously use some home remedies if any until that time comes.

Thank You
commented Feb 23, 2015 by alpesh kapdi (23,295 points)
When I articulate patience is the key means you should not force her out of frustration and should go by root to convince her or to sort out her problem of pain. In addition, when I say one year is too long time I certainly mean that you have waited too long to consult doctor or specialist which you should have consulted long before which somehow you failed to do so. Again, I say you should consult doctor instantly without wasting further time. Do not rely on home remedy, as it is not time to undertake home remedy.
commented Mar 1, 2015 by jim.felix (145 points)
Dear Alpesh Ji,

Thank you for you advice i am surely going to a doctor. You guys really helped me to counter my fear of not coming out of my shell and face the problem.


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