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Is my friend trying to hit on my Mom?

asked Sep 19, 2014 in Questions by akswa (120 points)
edited Sep 19, 2014 by longhands1

Hey Guys,

I am Akash, a 21 year old Engg. graduate from Kerala, fresh out of college. When I was doing my graduation in Hyderabad, I had a group of "friends" (senior hostel mates), who I looked up to. Being a shy boy, I marvelled at their sweet-talking (women pataoing skills), and with them, I too started eyeing and  commenting on girls ( I was young, uninitiated and stupid), but never did anything, even as some of these guys were going through girls as if it were a competition.

After graduation, I got placed in my core field back home in Kerala. Two of the wolfgang, who were not Kerala natives were also placed in Kerala. Now, initially I was thrilled and even invited them for dinner at my house etc. But soon I realized that they were spending more time at my home than their rooms and to my shock, I realized that one of them especially, had a more than keen eye on mom. I first thought I was imagining it, but I have seen those looks and mannerisms/ flirting , that charming guile and I can recognize it. He has been too friendly with mom  in such a short period of time ( even dad proudly  says that he now has 3 children). Also, since, they play the "living alone bachelor" card , dinner is almost always at my house.

Most days I come home late (since I am a fresher, my days are generally longer) to find one of them talking business and sports with dad  and the other in the kitchen helping mom / learning cooking / reeling his fishing line with bait. My parents are simple folks, and are both employed. Mom especially is a very nice, warm, sweet lady, and is good looking too.
It is not just him trying to patao mom that I am worried about, but the fact of how close they are with mom and dad. Being in an industry that requires me working on Sundays, with off days during the week. These guys have Sunday off, and come home early in the morning, except those days when they go home. I then end up sitting in my office and worrying, or making myself uncomfortable.
I have hinted my displeasure to Mom and Dad but as I said, I was a shy, studious kid while growing up and never really had friends come over ( which now I think was a good thing), so mom and dad think of them as my best friends. Anyway, they'd just think I am going back to my loner, hardworking and generally friendless self and would do nothing to stop them from coming home.

Maybe, I am over thinking this ( as this long question probably shows) but i generally let logic overtake emotion in my though process and here, both logic and emotions tell me i should be very concerned. I've even started thinking that this is karma and I am being repaid for eyeing and commenting on those girls in college.

What should I do?



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7 Answers

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I think you have a suspicious nature as your friends have not done something immoral, which needs to be concerned. Moreover, they have been in your house mostly when your father is very much there so why you worried out of nothing. In first place, you need to accept that your parents are having friendly nature so they mix up with your friends straightforwardly but you, who would not accept the verity. Boy has a habit of scanning woman but it does not mean that they have an ill eye on woman. As far as your friends are normal or do not do anything, which makes you uncomfortable do not be panic. Shift your attention from your friends doing as it is not worth. However, your parents must aware about their limit so you just concentrate on your career.
answered Sep 19, 2014 by alpesh kapdi (22,920 points)
commented Sep 19, 2014 by akswa (120 points)
Look, i am not saying something will  happen, but he's too "friendly", with her, let me tell you this much, without going into details. Also, iv seen him do this for years, so i know what he's upto. I just dont want mom to be in a bad position because of me and the foolish company i kept. And yes. almost always he's alone in the kitchen but  dads always at home.
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Akash, I think that what you are wanting to say might be fully correct but then you know what, even your dad is at home that time. And its quite a normal habit of helping friends' parents. Well firstly I'll tell you that remove all the shit called 'karma' from your mind! In which century are you living Akshay? Be rational! And the next one is something which you may not like to hear but then its my opinion and you can fire me for that I've no problem and that is your mother knows where to put a full stop. She is educated, literate, is a working lady, has seen the world more than what you have seen and more importantly is mature! And worst-cum-worst if some hanky-panky takes place and if your mom doesn't complain anything about that then take it as if she had given her consent for the act! I know you are hurt with this but then this would be the fact and you will have to accept the fact and live! Because it is her life and she has the right of living it on her own terms!(this is the worst of the worst cases) else from what you've mentioned I personally don't think you need to worry about anything at the present situation! She is your mother and would always be a mother for you!
answered Sep 19, 2014 by confusioninmind (1,370 points)
commented Sep 20, 2014 by akswa (120 points)
            I see what you mean, but dude, moms not like that, And its not her that i dont trust, its that idiot, for sure his intention is not "helping" mom, this i know 100%, but the question it will move forward or not. I trust mom ofcourse, but he's a skilfull c*** in these situations. I just dont want to see her getting hurt or in a compromising position. And ya, he's a charmer, and thats iv been seeing for the past 2 months or so.Mom and Dad are so happy and impressed by him. Its typical him, i mean.. his modus operandi if u can call it, iv seen it for 4 years, hence i'm saying. I know, its not because of the karma, but had i not befriended those fools and considered them my demigods, this never would've happened. Thats all
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Akash,In my opinion no doubt that so called' friend' of yours has been making appropriate(from his point of view) moves towards your mom. Your mom being a good looking modern woman might have been too tempting for him to ignore. And which woman would not feel nice when complimented repeatedly by a man (men) in their mid twenties?(And believe this must have been going on with her and he in the kitchen lot of praise and complimenting on her looks/ dress/ cooking/ style etc)while she must have been welcoming and appreciating this attention) She is just a human .

        To make my point clear i would like to tell you that almost every second marriage becomes stale and bland after some years. Both partners behave in very regular predictive pattern . And this might have been a case with your parents too. Obviously you can not go outright and ask your father to improve their sex or love life. 

         But then you said your mother is working too! What i mean by this is being a working woman she must have been interacting with lot of men in her daily work routine in one way or another.And  from these many men she has been in interaction with at least few must have made some kind of move/s on her at certain point of time in past . What i want to stress here is she for sure knows how men or a man could behave and it is said that women have given a sixth sense by God that immediately makes them aware if some man is looking at them in a lusty way. 

    So it really depends upon your mom to how much liberty she should allow this young man with her, 

   And for you , you should have thought 100 times before introducing this duo at your home as you very well aware how these guys towards women from their past, You have taken the wolf in your home . 

    Only way out of this is telling either to your father or mother their past how they used to praise a woman /girls to get inside the panties etc. You need not to be this much blunt but you can drive a point at home subtly too. 

     But do make them aware of what exactly is going on and how uncomfortable all this has been making you and to keep away from these men and not to entertain them anymore henceforth . 

answered Sep 20, 2014 by prashant69 (6,990 points)
edited Sep 20, 2014 by prashant69
commented Sep 21, 2014 by akswa (120 points)
I find myself agreeing to some of your points, though not all. You've hit the nail with a few of them. Like. for ex, they praise her unnecessarily,( her cooking mostly) its almost sickenigly obvious. Anyway, about telling mom n dad, i've actually tried, i've even as a passing remark mentioned how he was a "bad boy" at college, had a string of gf's etc ( not in a sinister way), but still, i hinted. But i've no idea how to drive home the point to the extent that they dont come anymore. They've still got around 6-10 months till their project gets completed and they go for good, and i'm drawing blanks on what to do. And how can i tell them bluntly? Would'nt they think that i have a bad mind ? You're right about it being a mistake to let them in my house, but to be honest,i did not expect this.
commented Sep 21, 2014 by prashant69 (6,990 points)

Look buddy i do not want to scare you off but you must know the reality and what exactly has been transpiring between your mom and this guy. 

    In my opinion these guys are too shrewd and came preplanned to your house. 

     Nowadays most people use cellphones. So your mom might have been using one. If your mom is having (something) with this guy. He must have been in regular touch with her on phone either via voice call or sms or whatsapp etc. But it is believed that cheaters (pardon the word) do not that much easily part with their cellphones for obvious reason/s.

   So either you try to check her call logs or ask her phone for couple of hours or even for whole day without giving any idea to her that you are going to do this. And see how she parts with her phone or even parts or not at all. Its not very sure shot method but at least it could give an idea if something fishy going on or what! best luck and hope your mom is a real true mom and very honest with your dad.

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My Dear concerned child,

Honey.... though you haven't able to pen down your actual problem here but I do understand the feelings behind your post.

Sweet heart!!! you've been with those guys and you know there skills. Your problem is not just that they are upto your mom but the matter of fact is they are so friendly with your parents that they have accepted them as there kids. Being a single child a person develops enormous reservations with there parents in terms of emotions and love, he cant share his place with any at any cost.

Darling, from your post what appears is they are just being friendly with your parents and none can sneak the real plan behind. As you have been with them you pretty well know what they are really upto, here you may be wrong but still this doubt will always be buried in your heart. This will make you tense. To be honest baby that's not the only thing which is making you tensed, what I believe you don't want to share your parents emotions and love which was with you till now with them.

I do understand your parents love should be reserved with you, think about it if this is the case.
Frankly tell your parents that you don't like there presence in your home. They are your parents they will understand your feelings have a word with them.

answered Sep 21, 2014 by hydspesial-2 (480 points)
commented Sep 21, 2014 by akswa (120 points)
Dear Dude,
                     I agree with what you've said, but thats more so in the case of dad, as in, they have bonded with dad much more than i have ( especially the other guy), more so cos i am not that much into sports. But that part although is hard for me, i can digest, since they leave soon. But with mom, the intentions go well beyond friendly bonding. There have been a couple of questionable instances which i have not mentioned cause i dont what you guys to either think that its all in my mind, or to judge mom wrongly. Hence iv largely generalised, without going into specifics. And i have told them about it, hinted , but like i said, my parents ,dad especially, are poor, trusting souls and quite impressionable too. Mom and dad thinks these guys are the best thing to have happened to me from a friend point of view. What do i do?
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Hi Akash,

  This is my first response of any kind in this site. Previously I used to visit the site and go through various questions and their multiple answers, some of which appeared totally out of this world to me. This query captured my attention and I have been tempted to respond.

First of all, I am no expert and I talk out of a layman’s perspective and maybe, it wouldn’t be much use to you, either. Needless to say, you find yourself in a curious situation, maybe not so uncommon in these days and times. IMHO, you have two options—which I have laid out below. The choice is either  to ignore the problem or take it on by the horns, to confront it, to take matters into one’s own hands.

Choice 1-You have described your mom as educated, among other things. Hence it cannot be that she remains oblivious to the intentions and charm offensive of your ‘dear friend’. A working, worldly wise lady such as hers cannot be so naïve. Perhaps, she is into him as well. Logically, it is your dad who should be worried. Since he too appears cool and carefree about things, it could be that the home scene has his consent as well, either implicit or explicit. Your mom is enjoying the attention of a young man and maybe even ready to go the last mile with him, while your dad is enjoying the unfolding of a real life cuckold fantasy  before his very eyes.

You haven’t specified the ages of your mom and dad(which would have been good). Perhaps, they are  in their forties or early fifties and after going through all the ups and downs that comes with life together, their daily routine  has become kind of  predictable and stale and what they are looking for is some extra fun to spice up their lives. Who better than a young person with raging hormones to reignite their old dormant memories of fiery passion and jovial companionship ! Like one of the contributors had said, why not let them live their own lives….! Maybe, they deserve it…..maybe it is the right thing to do and maybe it is what a modern outlook towards life entails.

Choice 2-Seeing things from a conservative, Indian perspective, I know the scenario is most uncomfortable/unacceptable to the majority of us. It is not the way we are brought up …. It doesn’t fit in with the ideals we are led to believe in. The second option I would suggest is to confront your ‘friend’ and have a private chit-chat with him directly- man to man. Tell him that you see what he is doing and ask him to lay off, politely-but firmly. Perhaps, that will be the end of your friendship. But let that be. It is better to end it all than agonise over every minute thus by distracting from your own job.

Tell him that if matters were to get out of hand and if your parents were to turn against him, things could get very difficult for him. All it takes would be a complaint from your mom in the local police station and the guy would be cooling his heels in the lock up for some time. Nowadays, laws are extremely favourable towards women and if your friend were to find himself at the wrong end of a complaint, his life would be spoiled for good. Many a failed love and extra marital affair end up such and one reads it daily in the papers. All his big plans could come crashing down and he could kiss good bye to the idea of going abroad which would be most Engineering professional’s dream. Ask him, if that is what he wants or what his parents expect of him ! Yes, this would be sort of an emotional blackmail, but it is the only way. Anyway, extra ordinary situations do demand extra ordinary measures…!

You had referred to “a couple of questionable instances” which led to your stated assumptions in one of your replies. It would be good if you could delve into them and detail them, so that one can form a better picture of the scenario. I guess, anonymity is guaranteed in this site.

Pardon me, if you or anyone else, finds my reply a tad lengthy. I am not sure, if I will indulge in any other.
answered Sep 22, 2014 by SunnyV (515 points)
commented Sep 22, 2014 by akswa (120 points)
             Thnks a bnch for ur detaild analysis. Now, im pretty sure its not d frst reason tht u mentioned n i bet dad has no inkling f dese guys' intntions. Im not saying this cos he's my dad, cos objectivly , iv knwn him for so long, and its jus not who he is, he has to be the most trustng, simple, n striaghtforward guy in d world. I knw him really really well, and rest assurd i dbt he'd even knw d meaning f cuckold ( dusnt evn use intrnt, dad.. i had a hard time teaching him to text ) . Now, on the secnd option, iv thought abt it and maybe i did'nt do it cos i deep inside i didnt want to confirm, or cos i'm not naive enough to think that if he is  eyeing mom, then he'd let this go cos of my friendship ( there was an incidnt in collge where a guy beat him up for seein his gf  and he stil wnt behnd his bak n dated d guy's gf). Either way, id like this to end without it being messy. Anothr thing about forcing the issue is how i would explain his "disappearnce" to my parents. Like i said, i know there are many ways to "power through" this,but im trying to make sure that it's handled with finesse. And sorry i forgot to mention dad's running 50, mom 's turning 45 in a few months.
commented Sep 23, 2014 by SunnyV (515 points)
edited Oct 19, 2014 by prashant69
    Looks like you have full faith in your dad…..! But what about your mom? Is she someone who could fall for the charms of a young man? Has there been any discernible change in her, post the arrival of your friend-like in her dress, attention to her looks, makeup etc.? Do they interact with each other by the phone ? It is entirely possible that your friend can try as much as he might, but he isn’t getting any joy, any time. Maybe you are getting tensed unnecessarily.

 About the “disappearance”- remember, the guy need not disappear from your lives altogether! All he has to do is to ‘behave’, if you know what I mean .I am also thinking, how many more days are these guys going to stay anyway ! You said, they were outside from Kerala. (Could you specify, which state they are from, if you may? )
commented Oct 19, 2014 by prashant69 (6,990 points)

#subbyV Remember multiple answering is not permissible. Hence moved your this answer as a comment.

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Dear Akash,

    You doesn't tell a single thing that they proceed in other way than the normal. Then how can we say that they are eyeing at your mom. More over it your father most of time is always there so i think no need to worry.

     They eyeing at girls this doesn't mean they eyeing at everyone. Dude there is no problem if it all like that as you mentioned. Butnif there is some uncommon way that they are approaching then you should aware your friends about this. But i don't find anything wrong between them. So better to stay tension free and live your life dude. Good Luck .!
answered Oct 2, 2014 by Manoj4u (6,180 points)
0 like 0 dislike
So let them enjoy your beautiful. If your mom likes then let them enjoy.
answered Oct 30, 2016 by pirate1234 (105 points)

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