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Will my wife allow "partner swapping" after marriage?

asked Aug 20, 2014 in Questions by LoveAndSex (205 points)
edited Aug 21, 2014 by longhands1

Hello AA Family Members,

I am Adi (nickname), 33 years old. I am from Delhi. I have been following this Site for last 1 year.  

I have done my BTech and and MBA. I have been working in a software company for the last 8 years. I am currently posted in Europe. I have been a very good student throughout my academics. In my professional life, I am also very respected and successful.

I will get married during this Diwali break. My fiancee is 26 years old . She did BTech from a reputed college in South India and currently working in MNC for last 4 years. She is very good looking and attractive (in my eye).

I have an unusually high sex desire. I have been masturbating since I was 16. I masturbate 3/4 times a day. Even during office hours, when I see my attractive female employees, I feel having sex with them. To control myself, I rush to the bathroom and masturbate. I can't stop my eyeing girls in the street, office or wherever. I enjoy watching porn and adult movies. I have been watching these for last 15 years.

Since I have a very high sex desire, I have been having sex with top escort girls in Europe for the last 5 years and have been having sex once in a month. I never get emotionally attached with these girls even though most of them are very beautiful. I consider them as 'sex toys' and fulfill my hunger for sex. After having sex, I feel very relaxed and can focus on my work with more concentration.

Because I have had sex with many girls, I am afraid that even after marriage, my sexual desire for other girls will never die. Initially I thought that after marriage, I will seriously control myself and will only have sex with my wife. But last Sunday I had sex with a very attractive German girl in Munich. I don't like having sex with the same escort girl more than 2/3 times. So I am sure I will still want to fuck other girl even after this Diwali.

I met my fiancee in Europe last summer during a get together of the Indian community. After our first meeting, I fell in love and started dating her and the journey of our romance began. She is the first girl I truly love and she too loves me.  We never had sex, but are free with each other.  She refused to have intercourse saying that she wanted to start from the first night. I never forced her because I really love her and I don't want to force her to do anything in life. She is also very much interested in sex. She has been watching porn and adult movies for last 7/8 years and we enjoy sex related talk.

Now my real question:

As I said, even after marriage my desire for having sex with other girls will never die. I have not told my fiancee that I have had sex with escort girls though I told her that I go to night clubs, strip clubs and sometimes touch girls and hug them. I told her that after marriage I will stop going there. We both love each other a lot and are looking forward to this Diwali break. After marriage, I don't want to have sex with any other girl without her permission. Otherwise, I will feel that I am cheating her.

So I see the only option is couple swapping. I have some couple friends here. They have a great bond and happy married life. They told me swinging had spiced their sex life and never has been a problem in their married life. They just do it for recreation and treat other couple as 'sex toy'. So I think if me and my wife both start this lifestyle, then I can really enjoy my sex life and hope she does too. Because, after marriage, I don't want to have sex with other girl unless she knows and she is also having sex with that girl's husband. Then I think everything will happen with mutual consent.

Now I know, many people will say that I see life is only sex. I am very bad because I have no problem letting my wife having sex with other man. I know relationship is not just sex. I think true love and relationship only happens when there is strong emotional and mental attachment. Sex is just physical attachment. I think if my wife also feels like that, we can have a happy swinging life and she can also enjoy sex a lot.  

I will consider other girls just as 'sex toys'. My wife can also enjoy that girl's husband treating them as 'sex toy'. Definitely, we will take all kinds of protection. If we have good communication, mental and emotional attachment, I feel having 'sex toy' will not be any problem for me. I love my wife and will forever love her.. ONLY HER ... If she enjoy 'sex toy', my love for her will never change.

Now my questions are :

1. Is swinging lifestyle only option for this problem? If yes, how can I convince her to start this lifestyle ?

 Please describe step-by-step so that I can fully convince her to start this life style. She should feel that swinging couple is just 'sex-toy'. As I said, she has very high sex desire and she enjoy porn and adult movies. She told me that she also masturbate a lot and after marriage she wants to have intercourse everyday. Moreover, she told me that she can't stop thinking about sex and watching porn. Also, she enjoy watching sexy man's body in porn movies and of course huge penis. So it is clear that she has very high sex desire as well. BUT I don't think she had sex yet with any man (if yes, she would have allowed me as well). However, she is extremely hungry for sex and eagerly waiting for marriage.

2. If she agrees ( just assume), shall we swing with same couple more than once ? I think that might create emotional attachment.  How should we swing so that our sex life become more enjoyable and married life becomes stronger.

3. If she doesn't agree, how can I stop my desire for sex with other girl ? For me, this is really challenging. But please tell me how can I stop it. I tried my best. Please advice me with step-by-step procedure.

4. Or what are the other solutions ?

 Many thanks in advance,



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5 Answers

4 like 0 dislike
Best answer

Wife swapping is just a game

Adi (nickname),

Let me begin by saying that, that was a very long question you posted. In this age of 2 minute noodles, most of us may not have the time to read such a long post. I posted it (after shortening it by almost a page), as the English was flawless and you have given us detailed background to frame an answer.

You are living in an Utopia or hope to live in one in the future. Yours is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is about Family and you talk about it as one big orgy. We all have high sex desires, but we have learnt to temper it with caution for the sake of family. All your Education and all your earnings will come to nought if your Family life is flawed. Peace of mind is what we all aim for, but your planning for the future with your course of action, is asking for the keg of tension to ignite. What happens when you come back from this posting? Just because it happens in the West and no one is bothered, same will not be the case in your home country.  

You keep on harping that you have no emotion when you visit Escorts. In this case you are paying them. Swapping is another kettle of fish. Swapping requires a level of comfort with another couple and some level of familiarity. Human emotions can never be predicted or guaranteed. There are many cases where either partner has fallen in love with the other, leading to a messy divorce. I am just stating facts.

You have also stated that your fiancée is quite broadminded and enjoys sex. I say you know nothing about her. Just watching porn does not make one broadminded and willing to risk their life. For starters, you do not know whether she has had sex with others. I am bringing up this topic so that I can later explain about swapping and what it entails. The fact that she has refused oral sex and intercourse before marriage is a clear indication of her thoughts and mentality. You are planning to ask for her permission to initiate swapping. It can never happen. It takes years of being married, before you can speak of the topic with her.

Your asking us for advice about initiating swapping is a futile exercise. The most important ingredient in this is the participation of your wife and it could take years before you are able to break her resistance. Your concept of “sex toys” is infantile to say the least. You talk of your Escorts as toys and in the same breath say that you will get a couple as a “sex toy” for your wife. Sex toy, like dildos and vibrators do not make “demands” and perform what they are meant to do. When you replace these with people, the equation is different. If you think that you will get swapping partners on demand in India, you could be sadly mistaken. Imagine getting 4 people to agree on this.

The only point that I would like to stress is your question 3. Since this is the question that matters. If you say that you love your fiancée and will continue loving her as your wife, then you need to make the effort. Your past does not matter. Honestly, have you told her about having sex with Escorts? I would love to hear her reply. In that you will have your answer to your grandiose plans for Diwali.

Do let me know if what I have predicted is true. I am willing to wait till the next Diwali.     

answered Aug 20, 2014 by longhands1 (78,070 points)
edited Aug 22, 2014 by longhands1
commented Aug 21, 2014 by LoveAndSex (205 points)
Hello longhands,

First of all, many thanks for taking good care of my question. Your suggestion regarding writing short will help me everywhere in my life. Many thanks for detailed response.

Honestly speaking, I have not told her that I had sex with escort girls. I am afraid she may feel very bad. But for sure, once I am married, I will not do anything with out telling her.

After marriage, I will transfer to US (New Jersey) and we are planning to settled here for whole life. Since swinging lifestyle here very common, I was thinking about it. But after reading your advice, I think I have many stuff to think about it.

As you said, regarding escort girl, I don't have any feeling because I just pay and have sex. You are 100% right. There is no familiarity and no knowing each other which is the case of swinging. I really do not want her to get emotionally attached to any other man.

I really tried very much to control my desire for many girl for sex. But still not successful :-(  Hope I can control my desire !

This is the best site I have discovered.

Many thanks.

commented Aug 21, 2014 by longhands1 (78,070 points)


None of us are perfect. We live and learn. Often we have to put a lid on our desires in order to balance our Lives. Do what you think is right, but ensure that your Family is not affected. A wise man once said: do not enter into any relationship that you find the need to hide from others.

My sons are in the US, so am well aware of the fast life there. That is no reason to lose your moral fibre. If and only if your wife is willing to try swapping, should you venture further. Do think of the consequences if she has an affair behind your back and your reaction in that case.

Nothing is impossible. Make a resolve that after you are married tou will be faithful to your wife and stick to it. 

commented Aug 21, 2014 by LoveAndSex (205 points)
Thank you LH for the guidance. You are an experienced and outstanding adviser. I think I will keep knocking at your door many times in future :-)

commented Aug 22, 2014 by longhands1 (78,070 points)


You are most welcome. That is why we are here.

commented Aug 22, 2014 by longhands1 (78,070 points)


It is comments like yours that give me the incentive to keep writing and share my knowledge with others. Thank you for the selection of Best Answer.

I just received a compliment today from another Reader:

Every answer of yours sounds really practical related to sex.  I am really happy that I have found a great forum and a person like you. 



2 like 0 dislike

You both are being highly qualified professionals you  definitely know what has been happening around the world 

  About your problem 

1) Either you could be blunt and can tell her upfront what you wish to do in future with her blessings and  to check weather she is comfortable and ready to adopt this lifestyle or what! 

2) You could be suggestive also. You can tell her about your friend or a friend of a friend who are in such type of lifestyle and how good it has been to their relationship. 

3) It by no means that she being highly qualified and professional means she would be ready for this and would jump for this opportunity. Observe how open she is for this idea and you can proceed with her and try to convince her 

 best of luck keep us updated. 


answered Aug 20, 2014 by prashant69 (7,010 points)
commented Aug 21, 2014 by LoveAndSex (205 points)
Hello prashant69,

Many thanks for your expert response which will help me a lot.

I don't have the courage to be blunt and tell her my desire. I am afraid of loosing her. But I will follow your other suggestions.

Many thanks.

0 like 0 dislike
I think u discuss about this only whit your wife. She will understand u. U are in urope so do what u do before marriege fucking some good escorts. Why are u involving your wife in it. U want to fuck your friends wifes then do dont involve her in. U just tell that sex is Just hysical attachment. So your true love towards your wife will never change.
answered Aug 21, 2014 by Needer402 (135 points)
commented Aug 21, 2014 by LoveAndSex (205 points)
Thank you Needer402  for your suggestion.
0 like 0 dislike
Even I know this can't be selected as best answer...still...I would like to advice you that just wait for your diwali. After diwali there will be fires & crackers in your life if u keep thinking like that ( condition u got married this diwali). There is a saaying "jab bina maange chiz mile or roz mile toh us chiz ki value kam ho jati h". So sooner you indulge in after diwali life your aforesaid libido will b reduced drastically. And you might have known the difference between shagging with hand and in the hole. So be brave first to handle what u r inviting and after that your all answers will start coming to you at their own. You will not need anjali mam for sure. Good luck. All the best & Happy Diwali in advance. ( as it won't be happy in or case after diwali :P ..kidding never mind )
answered Aug 21, 2014 by chirkutbaba4u (220 points)
commented Aug 21, 2014 by LoveAndSex (205 points)
Thank you chirkutbaba4u for your suggestion.

 Ha ha .. I like your kidding. Definitely life will be different after marriage.

 Hope marriage will change me a lot and makes my life really steady.
1 like 0 dislike
You seem to be like obsessed with sex and that reflects from your question itself, I can comprehend how frantic you want sex and swapping partner gratification. You also have a tendency to brood over other’s view about swapping partner but let me clarify you that it far from what is been told and reality. If others can enjoy sex with swapping partner, it does not mean it may happen with you also. You also forget that in marriage there are two collaborates involves and both have equal right to express their desire and concern. It seem to be like that your happy married sex life depends on her agreement if she allows you what you want then you are happy otherwise you feel like your freedom spoil therefore change your view.

I do not have ideas, how you can make her ready for your longing but little advice for you, first let the marriage take place. There is no need to discuss this point (your wish for swapping partner) right this moment and even no need to say how your friends enjoying swapping as it can be big turn off for your fiancée before marriage. She may have high sex drive no doubt in but it could not suggest that she may allow for swapping. You can raise your concern after marriage if you feel that she will ready.

Sex is physical phenomenon for you but for woman it is different case. Male can have sex without emotional attachment and love but for woman sex is emotional moment. No women can have sex without attachment to their partner exceptions is always there. If she is comfortable with you about talking sex related stuff that does not shows that she will be ready for swapping. In addiction, I have a feeling that she will never ready for swapping partner so be ready for rejection. Do not forget that she did not allow you to have sex with her and told you that she wants to start it from first night that indicates she has a different thinking on sex and sex talking. In last patience is the key.
answered Aug 21, 2014 by alpesh kapdi (23,230 points)
commented Aug 21, 2014 by LoveAndSex (205 points)
Many thanks alpesh kapdi for carefully reading my question and explained different things nicely.

I will never force her to do anything. Yah, she allowed me to hug and kiss her and she kissed my body as well. BUT she did not allow oral or intercourse.

Hope after marriage, my mentality will change forever.

Thanks again.

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