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How to deal with my colleague's mood swings?

asked May 4, 2014 in Questions by docatuldelhi (125 points)
Hi I am 26 yers old and working. I was in a serious relationship with a girl for 3.5 yrs and we had plans to marry but few months back she told me she does not like my possessive nature and that her parents won't be ready for marriage and moved out.

I was very heartbroken and changed my nature somewhat and I became more of a flirt. 2 months later i got to know a girl who is working with me. She is 29 yrs old and single. She lives with her mother, as her father died long time back and she has 2 brothers who got married and moved out with their wives.They visit her and her mother once a week or so but I get an impression that she hates them completely for not taking good care of her and her mother

Anyway coming to my story. She started sending messages to me. Initially, I was not interested and even told her that I am not looking for a serious relation now and I just want to enjoy. She said its very bad but somehow we continued talking and in time, I began liking her a lot. We have kissed many times and have done lovemaking but it has not gone to the point of sex.

Sometimes, when we are talking she behaves really nice like she is my girlfriend and sometimes she says we are just friends and I should behave like that only. There are a few other male seniors who try to flirt with her but I have tpld her to talk to those guys only when needed. Sometimes she agrees with me but sometimes she says she has to talk to people and just cant stop talking to them.

She literally has mood swings. One day she talks how it would be if we marry and the next day she is giving me serious instructions to behave like a friend only.  I am quite addicted to her and if she is not in front of me during work hours even for sometime, I become sad and irritated. I am really becoming helpless because I like her a lot but dont get proper response from her.

What should I do? Serious suggestions required.

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4 Answers

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dear docatuldelhi,

1) firstly I will tell you one thing which most of people don't know. The Kind of women which you have come across you is the most dangerous one. It is better to avoid these types of girls. Now you might think that... what is my authenticity? Am i some kind of expert or researcher to give such statement? To answer that query i would like to tell you that i like to study human psychology and behavior and therefore i have that knowledge and experience.

2) now fully coming to your question.. why is she doing so? the answer is just fun, she is just playing with you. How i know so? Cause i have been in this kind of situation before.

3) She is just playing with you, she is not interested in you. For her you are just a source of timepass. I bet she started to message you first (this even you have told in your story). she did this cause she wanted to ignite fire in you and wanted to attract you towards her. You are not the first one. She has done this to guys even before you and will continue to do this even to guys who will come in her life after you go away from her.

4) It is of no surprise to me that you have said she behaves very nice to you sometimes like a GF and at times behaves likes a formal colleague (point to point talking). She is just playing with your emotions with words like marriage, she is not gonna marry you. She is doing so cause she wants to raise your hopes high she wants you to fall for her and one day when you will propose her she will reject you. These types of girls just play with emotions cause they want drama in their lives and want to fill their empty lives with something to play around.

5) I know this is lot to digest and you might not even agree but this is the truth, a complex one yet true.

6) she will never give you proper response cause she knows if you get clear answer you will not stay with her and you might move on. What will she do without you? who will she fool around with then? that's why she will never say to you clearly that she likes you or not and even if she says she likes you she will continue to play with you with her mood swings.

7) she will behave like the nicest girl- she will cook food for you or even feed you at times with her hands, she will allow you to touch her boobs, she will take you shopping to buy panties for her, she will ask you what color lingerie should i wear, she will tell you when her periods are coming... everything like a GF but in the end all you get to hear is "you are just a friend to me".

8)I hope you have got the point and what i want to say. Lastly all i want to say is you are not alone. This has happened to many other guys just like you and is currently happening to many other guys too. Stay away from her.   

if you have any doubts or queries or if you want detailed answer please leave a comment below this answer and i will try to answer back.

Take Care.
answered May 6, 2014 by mrohit655 (430 points)
selected May 7, 2014 by docatuldelhi
commented May 7, 2014 by docatuldelhi (125 points)
Since your interested in human psychology and you have experience.... can u please tell me how wrong is it that I feel bad when I see my gf talking to other guys unnecessarily.....???? Can I expect this to change if I get a girl who actually reciprocates my love?? As it is I have found girls who have shown less of love fr me and shown that other guys and frndships are very important fr them.....or do I have to work really hard to get t
his insecurity out of my head
commented May 7, 2014 by mrohit655 (430 points)
dear docatuldelhi,

1) there is nothing wrong in feeling bad when you see your gf talking to someone else. Many guys get possessive when they see their gf talking to some other guy especially when their gf talks and laughs/giggles. If I had a gf, even I would feel bad seeing my gf talk to some other guy but there are few angles to this thing.

first angle- who is she talking to and for what duration?
if he is a friend it's natural for her to talk to him and she might talk upto about an hour depending upon their friendship. So please give her space when she is with her friends.

second angle- TRUST.
It is the most important thing in a relationship if you do not trust your gf and vice-versa it will become difficult to sustain. you have to trust her... if she says she is going to movie with her colleagues  both male and female, you have to trust her that she will not cheat behind you. But if she cheats behind your back then leave her forever.. no giving second chance.

third angle- does she really loves you?
if you know she really loves you then automatically if will not feel insecure cause you know she loves you. In your previous affairs no girl clearly said that she loves you that's why you were feeling insecure cause you don't wanted to lose them to some other guy (who you thought was your competition) as she wasn't fully committed to you either.

if a girl seriously loves you she will never make you feel uncomfortable. She will always take care of you and mostly importantly she will rate you more important then any other of her friends. But surely she will not leave her friends just because you are saying so... you have to give her space and trust her.

of course you have full freedom to give her advice to stay away from some people who you think are not good and are trying to take advantage of her. But if she doesn't listens leave her with her decision.
you haven't yet found the perfect one (the right girl) but once you do all you need to do is love her and trust her. There is nothing to be insecure about if she loves you she will stay with you no matter what and if she doesn't love you she will go away.
you might have to work on your insecurity but it is completely normal to think that way.

take care
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You are on the cusp of a rebound. It is always tricky to get into a relationship after you have faced a rejection from a partner. Your views about life and women get clouded and you are not able to think dispassionately. Rejection in a relationship is one of the most difficult things to get over and you inevitably fall for the first person you meet, who will fill the void. The earlier relationship was for three and a half years and surely it is not easy to just forget your past.

Though you have not said in your passage, you have mentioned age difference in your tags. This is an issue that you need to consider. Since she is of a mature age, she would presently be able to mother you and guide you out of your sadness. But whether you both love each other will have to be seroiusly considered.

Her mood swings are due to your indecisiveness and this is due to your past experience. You are afraid to commit as you fear rejection once again. She does have feelings for you or else she would not have kissed and proceeded the way she has. You need to make up your own mind. Till you do so, she owes you no allegiance and it is immature of you to tell her who she should talk with and who she should not, especially in the office. She is right when she says that you need to maintain cordial relations with your colleagues in the office.  

You need to convince her and her mother that you are serious about her and will stand by her. Remember time is not on her side, when marriage prospects come and she does not want to lose you, but is not certain of your response.

My advice, remain friends, till you get over your past relationship.  Two months is too short a time to decide if you have gotten over your first love.

answered May 4, 2014 by longhands1 (93,025 points)
commented May 4, 2014 by docatuldelhi (125 points)
a few things i would like to bring to your notice.... i said it was 2 months after my break up that i started talking to her.... but now its been 6 months since when we have really been good friends.... i had even proposed her for marriage but then her reply was again not clear... she said her mother might not let her marry anyone since both of them are each other's only support.... though sometimes she does say that even she wants to get married and lead a normal life and not always be under some kind of stress.....
commented May 4, 2014 by longhands1 (93,025 points)


So, it has been some time since you know her. You have also broached the topic of marriage. Good. Now all you can do is continue being a good friend, till she takes it to the next level. Are you comfortable with the age difference? Make up your mind about that.

commented May 4, 2014 by docatuldelhi (125 points)
yes there is age gap.... i thought about it but we got along really well.... half of the other colleagues have a felling that we are either having an affair or are going to have one.... few problems have arisen lately.... lets see how it goes....
other people plz share your experience or suggestions if you can.... might help me in future
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Dear docatuldelhi,

     Dude so its clear thatnyiu have no problem with this age gap and you wantnto marry her. You even propose to her. Now its upon her that she wants to take this relation to next level or not. You had made your mind to marrynher and you already proposed her.

     But you still not getting her clear answer. Let her think and take her time. Till then be her good friend. Forget about other colleagues. Its not a office work its your personal life. You can tell your colleagues that you are not having affair with that girl and thats it.

    She tiold about her mother that she will not get agree but yiu can ask her if she is interested in you then you both can have talk with her mother. You are a working guy and she is too. Now she is not in that age where she gets many martiage proposals as her age is somewhat more than the normal marriage age of girls.

     You can ask her seriously about this relation and you should tell about your status to this relation with her. If she finds you a perfect partner for her surely she will be with you. Wait and be friend with her till her reply and know what she wants. Good Luck dude .!
answered May 5, 2014 by Manoj4u (6,205 points)
commented May 5, 2014 by docatuldelhi (125 points)
thanks for the advise..... lets see how it goes.... for now we are just good friends.....
1 like 0 dislike
As far as your first relationship is concerned which was long lasted for more than three years was not serious one as she had been not involved seriously with you otherwise it was not appropriate excuse to move out from the relationship. How could she move out with excuse of possessiveness and that to after long time that suggested that she had moved out from the relationship with her own reason by blaming on you? It is good that you move on your life leaving your relationship behind that is the way, life is.

Coming to your second relationship I think that too not serious from her side as you yourself involved fully and I am getting feeling that you have possessive nature to some extend and most of the time relationship does not long lasting when both partners belong from the same office as other colleagues easily create obstruction between two. You are right that she has a problem of mood swinging or she might not sure about your relationship that is why she is okay for sometimes and vice-verse. Your relationship requires more time so spend some more time as friends and after some time if your feeling will remain same that go further in the relationship.

You have addiction of her it is because of, for you she is your girlfriend but it is not same from her side. You have mentioned kissing and love making with her that was unusual for me. If she could kiss you that mean she has a feeling for you, otherwise girl can never cross her limit. Are you sure that no one other involve with her from your office as that might be possible that someone makes her against you and that is quite common in working place. Before asking her such thing makes sure that you are right, otherwise that is very sensitive issue.

In the last ask her directly about her future planning for your relationship and be prepared to accept negative answer as it is her right to say no.
answered May 5, 2014 by alpesh kapdi (28,960 points)
commented May 5, 2014 by docatuldelhi (125 points)
thanks for the advise.... lets see how it progresses.....

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